DON’T SUFFER IN SILENCE
“Don’t suffer in Silence” says, Martha Mok. Martha Mok is the Super Confidence Coach, motivational speaker, multi-award-winning international make-up artist, author, and entrepreneur with multiple businesses residing in Sydney, Australia. After overcoming sexual assault, bullying, and domestic violence, she found her life thriving through business and coaching. Her mission statement is that No Woman Should Suffer in Silence. She is currently using what she calls her Super Effective Results Formula to help coaches avoid overwhelm and create profitable businesses.
Her debut memoir, Don’t Survive, Thrive, is set to be released in early 2022.
“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls, the most massive characters are seared with with scars”, Khalil Gibran
Oh, thank you for coming on and, and really having the courage and embracing the moment to tell your story of your Your journey that you’ve had an experienced I’m, I’m anxious to hear about that.
It’s always lovely. It is one of the things that I have learned for the last year, to learn to be vulnerable to learn to be sharing my story, because I’m just like one of you listeners outside our doors are a wife, a partner, a sister. And we all have this power within us that we can reclaim our voice again, after trauma after depression after abuse. So that’s why I’m here today. And I thank Tina for giving us this opportunity. And to for us to connect and share our story.
Absolutely, that’s what I’m all about. Things changed, you know, during COVID. And I think we, we are looking and we’re drawing that sort of energy into all of us that we need that positivity. So tell us where it all started for you, Martha.
I have been a super confident coach for a woman for about a year now. And before that I’m a multi award winning international makeup artist. And during that time, I have these what we call the very shiny enterpreneur. And face. I’m on stage, I’m on our competition judge, and I’m very comfortable in my skin when I’m in my work mode. But at home, no one knows that I was suffering for over 30 years, that I was in an abusive relationship for 19 years, being bullied at school since the age of six, and was sexually molested by someone I trust when I was on the age of four. So all of that didn’t turn me into dark. And I choose to be light. Well, that is a choice, right that we don’t realize that we have. Yeah, absolutely. So how did you take all of that? What what kind of experiences? Did you find that you had obstacles in that timeframe?
I believe that is finding help. What was the hardest thing being with shiny mass. Like I said, it’s hard to be vulnerable. And it’s, it’s even shameful to even ask for help for things that happen at home. Like I wish that I knew about something like the your backup pan apps here that have people who can reach out. But during my time of depression and trauma, I didn’t know that there was help outside, I feel ashamed of who I am. I feel like that I’m the only outcasts outside that no one wants to know about my story, no one’s would care about my feelings. And I have to be tough and strong, just so that I can survive. And to be honest with you before I met my current partner now, I didn’t want to leave more than 60 years old, because I thought that that will be enough of a life for me to go for. So fans to my current partner, and becoming a coach myself, it has given me a future that I could only dare to dream before. So I’m so grateful for the opportunity to share my story with you and to connect with beautiful people like Tina here.
Oh, thank you. I really want to get the understanding of what position were you put in at four did it? Did you struggle to tell your parent or did you struggle to tell a friend or you know, my parents don’t really know what happened. That’s the truth is still hasn’t been
No, because they I always actually say a funny thing is I thank God they don’t understand English, so they don’t know what’s actually going on. So that helps. thing was like even just going to friends and family, you will leak out a little bit of information, but not all of it because you feel ashamed. And only to the people that you trust. Like I have two friends that actually knows the full story, the extent of the story that I was speaking in, but the it’s like peeling off a layer of of your onions, onions that you have inside, you starting to learn to take these little funny steps to actually share your story because it is scary.
It is like you have this fear of rejection, fear of judgment that is constantly in your head thinking about it. So going forward, that was tough, but I encourage anyone who have a story. The one other thing that I wish I could have done is to reach out for help. And to just ask, Hey, I am suffering from this at the moment. And I need help. And only when I noticed that it is okay to ask for help. I began to end my suffering. I began to actually ask for people’s support, getting their help to get out from my abusive marriage.
So you were abused. Then you got married. bullied, and then you got abused again.
Yeah, I think that sometimes that because we have vibrating in a different vibration. And when we are going into like from my school years, because I was always bullied and I cannot develop this show that as a Hey, you know what, no matter what I do, people will think that I’m awkward I’m read and you know what I just starting to absorb and and let it be. And when it’s starting to be absorbed, it’s things starting to get better in my final years of school. And we’re not because of that lack of connection, that emptiness, that loneliness that I felt all the time, I was craving for a partner, I was craving for someone who can give me a family who can be next to me and support me.
And so I married the first guy that I met my first boyfriend after two and a half months, 21 years old, got married while I was in Hong Kong doing a holiday. And I actually stayed there for four years as well. And Hong Kong working was not easy. I was very, very blessed. In my career sense. I was supervisor of marketing since the age of 21, I was given a lot of opportunity. But at home, I was so lonely. I was so sad. Every single night I go home, I face four walls, and I started to cry every single night. And my ex husband will be going out partying free for all caught at night. And sometimes I will even do more crazier thing, I get out of my own house, my apartment, and sit down, wait next to the bus stop trying to see if he will come home, I would sit there in the car for hours just waiting for him that craving and greediness of attention. Getting that our justification, I think that was my mindset at that time, wanting to be heard wanting to be here, but then come back with absolutely nothing and things did not get better. And you always tend to have hope. And I believe that in a marriage when we say our files for the good or for the bad for the sickness or in health. And I believe in that. And that’s why I stay and there was one more thing that kept me in that marriage for 19 years.
If someone wondering like, why didn’t you get out like you know, you have a choice statue, I made a promise to his dying mum that I will look after him after two years of us being together. So I kept that promise for as long as I could until I really couldn’t bear it so long. So the guilt of leaving him the trauma of what I face every single day. And I become the greatest pretender. Someone that you cannot tell what is going on inside of me. You can see me in a moody sense, when you don’t know why I am. And it affects me on not just my personal level my inside as well. And as far as my work because I could go moody when I’m actually working.
Oh, definitely it has it has a rebound effect in both your physical and mental and job. You could be the best actress I always said to hide the fears and the I don’t think you understand abuse in your own head. You know, so it’s hard to relay that out to someone because it’s all just a thought of why is that person doing that? Why are they saying that? You know, was it physical and mental abuse?
Pretty much. Yeah, mainly mental physical was a lot less. But still, the mental abuse is like, I was never good enough. I was never good enough. I will buy him the most expensive thing that I can afford. And then like an iPhone, I think I remember one of them was an iPhone. And it’s like, oh, it’s not in the limited edition color. Champagne goal. Is this a normal iPhone? And it’s like, yeah, I feel like I was constantly not good enough. And, and until at the end, I just asked the question, what like below, what would you like, what would it take for me to actually be the be the wife that you wanted? And he actually told me, You are not worth it. That’s the reason why I’m shooting. And I’m like, What? And then he said, yes, you’re worthless. So being told that for 19 years you signed to wake up after a while because he had to didn’t have to work for almost 10 years. Every time that he worked is still steal my money to actually go and do his whatever thing he do. He wouldn’t come home for weeks, and then I’ll properly see him every now and then. And we became a housemate instead of why a woman not even a one way because he’s like in a shalva isolated in a room. We don’t share a bed For four years, and I was still able to keep my silence.
And if I think about what that right now like back into the days that I am, I’m like, What? Like, I stopped asking why that is one other thing that I really wanted to share with everyone. When you keep asking for why your emotions go down because you searching for all the negativity to give yourself that validation, you wasn’t well accepted, what have happened, it has been happened and accepted as the way it is, and start asking yourself, what else can I do? What else can I do to actually get better of this? And that’s the question I asked myself on my 40th birthday. I asked myself, since I only got 20 years old, 20 years to live, what do I truly want in life. And I said, I wanted to be happy. So I finally took the courage to actually say, Hey, I don’t think this is working. I have been trying to get out of the marriage. And then he always called me back afterwards. And I’m like, No, on my 14 years old, I only got 20 years left to leave. I really want to know what it feels like to be a woman, what it feels like to be a wife, what it feels like to have a loving partner that celebrate my success, who cheer me up when I’m down?
Who have that comfort that I can have my shoulder on. It’s like during my dating years, which was was about a year and a half. I actually said that to guys that witches scare a lot of non color five guys away. So if all of you listening that wants to know about how to qualify your guide that you’re doing online dating. Yeah, I say do it. Because like, it’s about learning how to have your boundaries and having you’re like what you want out. And I’m like, after 30 years, I have enough of shutting up. Okay, I want to talk I want to express. So I give every guys that I talked to a very, very serious question. I tell they always ask you, what are you looking for? I’m not looking for handsome? Do they have five house and a dog and five cars? What I’m looking for? Well, that could help me.
Yes or No, because I’m looking for something even deeper. Because I’m a very successful entrepreneur myself. I don’t need that from a guy. Even that when I was ending my message, my ex husband took all my money. And I even gave you my car. So I was left with almost nothing to actually get out of that marriage. But even still, that I didn’t want that from the guy because I know what it feels like being they call it the golden bird in a cage that you’re not allowed to speak because you’re dependent on that person.
Or like no, that’s definitely not me, you know. So what I choose was to say these three things.
I want safety, security, and a sense of belonging, safety, meaning that I’m no longer being abuse, I don’t have verbal abuse, and I don’t have physical copies, we can have arguments, but we must at least be able to work it out and do not hold anger for more than 24 hours.
My security is that I just want him to have a job that he can provide for himself and I don’t have to qualify for him anymore. Because I have enough of being the breadwinner of a house is quite a stressful things. I guess I’m a makeup artist still. I have a lot of barriers and shoulders that is actually on me and I have enough of that after 19 years. The last thing is the sense of belonging. It’s actually not a sense of belonging to others. It’s a sense of belonging to be me that I can speak my exactly I can speak my voice I can be who I am I could put my makeup on looks amazing. And I can we my really degi clothes and like you saw before Tina, my pink socks to actually keep myself warm and I’m allowed to do that. So that’s the kind of person that I’m looking for.
And then I actually share when I online dating. It does scare quite a few people away. And I’m so grateful after a year and a half I finally find my ideal partner that who will cherish me for who I am. Allow me to be the unicorn, The Princess and the dinosaur. I always call it myself this multiple personality and and letting them know that what are they actually going to expect and and to curious to find out because I thought that at that time getting out of my marriage. 40 years old, I’m overweight. I’m not the prettiest girl. I don’t have much left. I’ll have a cat. And that’s it. That’s all I have left. So I’m like, okay, that is a little bit of a challenge in going on to online dating. And like I mentioned before, he was my, my ex husband was my first boyfriend. I don’t know anything about dating.
I haven’t had sex with another man before. So everything was new for me. It was like, in a jungle trying to find out, okay, I don’t have a lot of time to search. And as I okay, how am I gonna go for the energy scientifically desperate and, and trying to go needy and all of that. And again, that was another journey on itself, trying to express yourself and who your dignity and who your your boundaries. That is the biggest thing that I find for a woman that we need to learn to have our boundaries. And having that boundary allow me to build up a really strong connection with my current partner.
He’s absolutely amazing. And the funny thing was, Tina, what after being in an abusive marriage for 19 years, you come out, you still actually have that triggers in front of your eyes in your brain. So when you even when you meet the ideal person you don’t know because inside of you somehow you’re pushing him away. But the funny thing is about human psychology if he really wants you even you push him away, he still could coming. That’s what human psychology so ladies out there, this is what you do. Okay, guys, this well, you don’t trays, okay. You don’t like back crumbs and let them call back in. So that’s, that’s, that’s the method.
There you go. Yeah. And during that time, I didn’t know that he was my ideal partner, until my trauma therapist because we become a very good friends. And she said that Oh, wow. Isn’t that the perfect guy you’re looking for? And I’m like, Ah, really, really? And then I go back to my checklist. I was like, Yeah, he did take a lot of things. Yes, no one is perfect. We are all perfectly imperfect. But he did kick a lot of the boxes there, he is actually quite my ideal partner in it. So not until I realized that your heart still tend to have a barrier. And I’m not saying that you pour your heart out, like immediately back then because that will scare anyone away. That’s the truth.
If you’re in a relationship, like like a trip free is a lot nicer than pouring everything because it will scare anyone away. And, and just having that drip flowing a little bit faster than before. And I think that by doing that it helps to build up a relationship, if we will people connection, especially my partner, he’s actually a Navy. So he will be on deployments for months at a time like he’s gone for five weeks, he’s time. And then after that he’s gone for five months. But even for that, it doesn’t affect my insecurity. I don’t have that issue anymore thinking, Oh, one more time? Is he going to come home? Am I going to sit at a bus stop waiting for him to come? I don’t have that anymore? Because I finally find my sense of belonging from the inside that I feel amazing. Next to this person with me.
You right? And I guess it’s called self love. loving yourself from the inside out. And I just know what abusive relationships can do to you. And you really question yourself. You really question are Is it you? Is it something you said is it you know, and it just people are going to ask, Well, why did Martha state so long? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And mental abuse is like, to me, it’s very similar to bullying. Because the bullies, they always did it. I know with my own kids, it was the same thing. It’s hidden. It’s quiet. It’s it’s sneaky. It’s all of these things to manipulate your thought process. And, and I think when you jump out of it, like you said, and you’re dating, you have to start saying really saying to yourself, Is this a my thought? Or is this an old thought? Big I agree with you. Right? Right. You have to realize that thought you have to realize it, is it my baggage, you know is am I getting upset because it’s my baggage that I still have? Because you can never my marriage was 30 years so i i agree with you. And divorce now as well. And I think it just it’s like growing up years it’s stuck in your head so darn hard to get out of it.
It is because like recently, earlier the year my cat died like Like I mentioned before, that in my 19 years of marriage, the only thing that I had was a 16 year old cat. And she passed away of old age. And I went for three months of depression, again, gone into grief. And what adds to it was that my ex husband that I did not contact for almost two and a half years, he find me and text me the most horrible message that you can imagine calling me a bad mother calling me the most mean person in the world. How day am I and things like that? And I’m grateful that night when it happened, my partner was next to me. And I told him to can you just delete that message from me? Because I don’t want to see it. But it doesn’t mean it doesn’t go back in those old triggers that we have in our mind. And I started to question myself again, who the hell am I to be happy? Who the hell am I am I and I’ve been told I’m not worth it, even inside of you that you have the conscious mind of fighting back is like, No, I’m worthy. I’m worth it. I know what I’m doing and all of that.
But that creepiness in your unconscious minds and do notice our unconscious minds make up of 90% of my thinking for only 10% is actually logical and is conscious. So that corniness that starting to come back out on us. And that scared the shit out of me. And I was like, sometimes I would actually, like, have a tiny little bit of argument with my current partner, and I burst out crying. And then he hold me and I said that, why is he still controlling me? Why am I still feeling like this? Like, why? And he was like, after two years, two and a half years of working on myself. And I still have that feeling. And I’m like, why? until I started to do NLP training that changed my life.
And there was two sentence that I will use every single time now. If I am in the emotional state. Should I share it with everyone here? Yes, please. Wonderful. So what I have learned is that we have to respect the other people model of the world.
Whatever their thinking is, their thinking is how they always see it, it has nothing to do with us. So that takes a lot of pressure out of my shoulder, that I stopped needing to be the person that they expect me to be, I can finally go back within and say, Hey, this is Marfa, I’m allowed to be working. And I have to constantly repeat that questions in my head. We suspect the other people models of the world, and let them be their way. I’m not here to fight them. I’m not here to adjust them. I’m here to be myself and the best version of myself. So that sentence really help.
The second sentence that I’ve got is our belief is only weird to us. Every single person has different belief, just like you and I could like ice cream for different reasons. You like it for the sweetness, I like it for the freshness and the childhood memories that I got. So even that we do like something our belief and our reason to like it is different. So what if that person have a sense of belief, such as bullying, it’s like, oh, you look like a DAG, like, you know, you know, so like, you know, so our date and things like that. But then that’s their model of the world. And that’s their belief or fashion. I’m allowed to have my own belief, and giving myself that permission and say, thank you for your opinion. Have a wonderful day. That’s it. And that’s what a more deeper knowledge that once you learn, you can starting to take that out, instead of having anger, like a lot of time that when you talk up, you look fat in that dress. What is our initials, we action defensible shells on site. That’s what you get with that whole thing. Forget the dress, you’re just fine.
Yeah, so like all that defensive systems trying to come and fight. It’s like that when someone is angry at you do not ask that question. Why are you angry at me? What would that do immediately double for all the emotion for that person to think about why the reason that things like that.
So I develop another method is to actually thank them for their opinion. So I say thank you for your opinion. I appreciate it and have a wonderful day. Your answer is your art. I respect your model of the world. Your belief is your belief. So I respect you have a wonderful day. And knowing that alone, it gives me a lot more joy of life and sort of stop them from continuing that boring because a bully will only continue to come to you when you’re we act to something. If you don’t wait add to it. Everything signed to come down.
So I’m not saying that this is a counselor set This is a much smarter ad, because you are not their mum, you are not their father. Why do you want to teach them? And if your coach, and if they’re paying you, that’s a different story. So if a woman I don’t know. I don’t know, I don’t know, I think guys like no, my partner, he’s very good. So he’s also a coach himself. So he understand that fact as well. So whenever that we’re in a deep like a little bit of an issue, so he thanked me first, it’s actually very, very good to do that. Because once you thank someone or that defensive system come down. So if anyone are going into arguments, especially like what you said, a backup plan, if you’re in abusive relationship, like I was, if you have someone as kids yelling your head off, telling you that you didn’t set the table, why you didn’t cook a good meal, you didn’t clean the house properly, say to them, thank you for letting me know, I will take that into consideration. And I will work on it. Immediately, they cannot thank you for you anymore.
What true, thank you for your opinion, I will file this where it belongs.
Nice. That’s a good way to There you go. So there’s always better way for you to actually get out of things. Because there’s no point for go into an argument where you will get physically and mentally hurt. That’s how I actually learned self love. Now, before when I be very honest with your audience. I’m being very honest with you today. Now, during the time of my depression and going for trauma therapy, if anyone told me to have more self love, I literally give them the finger and say eff off. Because I fought. I love myself. I have a good job. I look after myself. Well, I eat well, I dress well, what is not that I’m not loving myself? Right? I think, you know, I think I was I thought that I was traveling everywhere by myself. I live in LA. I stayed no less than four and a half star hotel. For sure. As I like, you know, I look after myself. So what do you what are you telling me that about self love, I love myself, I didn’t know what self love means. I didn’t know. Not until I finally realized oh, self love is about having a voice. self love is about not being scared of what other people think of me. self love is about not fighting back but to actually protect my heart, protect my vibration, and protect me as a person. So I will not get stabbed on I will not get hit on I will not get a verbally abuse on. Oh, that’s what self love mean, and boundaries, of course, right? Yeah. And bond being able to set up boundaries.
Yeah, like that. That was That was tough one because I’m always this people pleaser. I’m always a nice person coming from a bully bully background, that you try to be that nice person that no one will actually have a chance to believe. And that carries to you for life. And now that I have not stopped being the nice person, I’m still nice, but I’m as blank as they come that I will still ask for one thing. When you try to give out an advice or opinion even with your friends or family or your kids even ask for their permission first.
Do I have your permission to be completely honest with you?
Do I have your permission to actually share my view with you? That’s It’s that simple. Because everybody likes to be respected. Everyone likes to have an option, then well, who are we to take that away?
Why not give it first so they feel respected? And you will get the same in return? Just like what people say I think the book called secret or the law of attraction, you always get what you asked for. So instead of asking for pain, start asking for forgiveness. Scott asking for respect. Just like that I saw this beautiful story of, of a parent that who has four of their keys killed on a wall accident. And what they come out to say was not blame. They said is forgiveness. I forgive that person who done that because I can’t go back into the past to fix this. But I can learn to forgive and forgive myself and forgive the person. And that was one of the most bravest most confident and most beautiful thing I’ve seen because we can get trapped in the emotion of thinking that I’m being abused and he’s the bad person. I’m being abused that that like not being bully. He’s the they are the bad person. And you don’t have to do that because it’s a choice in your head. That How do you deal with the situation now?
I just wish there was more movies about say you know, you Your story so that when we as women are put in those predicaments in marriages and partnerships and relationships, that we recognize what’s going on, because I feel that was one issue is that you don’t recognize those things are happening to you.
So because it is probably will go to our 18 instead of PG.
Very quickly. Yeah. But I just wish you know how many times like if I had watched a movie and thought, Oh, that’s happening to me? Oh, that’s weird. That’s that because you see it from a different angle when it’s not on to you, right? Or if you see it with a friend, you can see it because you’re on the outside looking at, you’re not on the inside. So it seems like you get stuck in that inside part, I would say. Definitely. And we do like, like, like we said all the time, that it’s very easy to coach another person, but it’s very hard to coach yourself. And I always say that, hey, when we’re in that emotional state, why not create our own on on Marfa and call it as sky angel or whatever you wanted to name her, and then start culture and start giving her advice? Because it’s a lot easier when you coach another person then coaching to yourself. That’s for sure. How many times have you thought of that, I’m sure.
Hmm, I wish that I wouldn’t create that avatar for myself. So I can coach that Martha’s like when you do hypnotherapy. So they go back into the space and time and teach that girls who was being abused there, and to tell them that like you know what she needs to do and how she’s protected. And I wish that I know the skill back into my days, to wise up and heal myself. Because no matter what sort of healing a healer does, and also a coach or mentor, all they’re really doing is not to give you advice is helped you to see what you have inside to help you to see the string because we are all equal. I believe that we actually own Nico, we all have the same confidence. We all have the same thing. And it’s about how we bring that out is like learning English. As simple as that. Anyone can learn English, if they choose to. Anyone can do a certain things if they choose to. Because it’s a choice by us. And we we we are the ones who often to tell us now I can’t do that. It’s too hard. It’s like when I went my first focus I want are you talking about? I can barely speak English. And I have terrible pronunciation and I don’t have no any Grandma, what are you talking about can become an offer? And I’m like, on my I’m on my fifth book already.
Don’t Suffer in Silence is getting out of your own mind. So what sort of BS belief system or the other way you want to call it? Are we actually telling ourselves that we can’t do something, we are undermining our own good, our own power all the time. And it’s not our fault. It’s not our fault. Because it’s how the society taught us that we can just like Tina said over here, I wish there was more movie telling people that they can do that. And the sad thing is people don’t want to know about this too much. And that’s why they need to come to a podcast like this would like Tina, they’re your backup plan to help people to realize, hey, on the dark side, they’re still like to an ESU someone like you, Tina, that who let other people know that there is a black cup pen.
Well, that and I hate it when people said to me, Tina, you’re so strong, you’re so strong. No, though I’m not. When you’re in it. You don’t feel strong at all. So how do you how can you feel strong when you’re in the midst of it? Now after being away from it, you become strong, but during it you’re not strong? So how can you change that perspective?
Ask yourself why? What is the reason why that you need to get out of it. I always said that. When we are at our emotional mind state like when we acquiring or something like that. The fastest way to get out of that emotion is to ask yourself a logical question. Find out the why that you want to be better. Find out the why that why you need to be in that state. And why do you want to go into another state a lot of people said that they need motivation to keep them going. I say go and get a lab coat if you need to get motivated because all you need to do is set a certain hours of the day like this morning, I get up at Six h two to come to a podcast is and yesterday was 432. So, think about it. If you need motivation, all you need is alarm clock to get up. The true motivation comes from the why within? Why am I doing this? Because I want to share my voice. Why am I doing this? Because I want to connect with amazing people. Why am I doing this because we are worth it. I am no longer worthless, I am no longer as useless. I am no longer scared and be triggered by the past emotion. That’s my why. And that’s my motivation.
Well, that’s definitely Yeah, mine too, after the fact. But during, you’re asking yourself a whole lot of questions of why is he doing this? Why is he saying this to me? I feel like I’m a nice person. So why am I so awful? Why is someone telling me I’m so horrible? And I understand that the forgiveness comes in. But how do you switch that trigger in your mind? Because my why was a car accident that switch the light bulb from off to on?
But for you or someone else listening? What could that light bulb be for them? What? What does it take for you to realize how you’re being treated? And that you actually don’t like it and it’s making you feel sad? that’s it in a nutshell. Really. The truth is, like you said, keep asking why? What would that do to me is that I get more upset. So after all that expression, you can only cry for so long. You can only get upset for so long. So after that, so what I do with my life, so I stopped, I stopped asking why and asking what can I do? And what why is the only way I asked is What do I want? That’s the reason like what do I want in life? So instead of asking why that will keep me in the flow, because you can only be in low for so long. And then I also pay so what I want, I mean this situation now.
So what I want, I want happiness.
Okay, what is the next step to do? It is to switching off. Like for me my switching. It’s almost my 40 years old birthday. Like I said, I only got 20 years left. What do I want to do in my life? Instead of why I want to be single in this relationship? I ask, why are they acting like that? Why are they doing that? Yeah, it’s all crap. Yeah, it doesn’t help. That’s why I said to everyone, when you are in an emotional situation, do not ask yourself why? Because you will never get an answer.
First thing, that means you’re wasting your time, if you want to let our like emotional outbursts, which I think is an absolutely fantastic idea. Because we found releasing that emotion, you can have things straight. Because I went for a stage that I could not cry for more than 30 seconds, no matter how hard how much my brain and my heart wants to cry. So I’ve been through that mental state as well. So I say Okay, stop asking the Why? Because asking a Why couldn’t even make me quiet. So what do I do to make myself cry? I signed to ask for what? And it work, because I cry, but it’s leasing out emotions, that what else do I need to do? And it’s sort of give me hope at the same time as well. So the big switch for everyone is don’t ask why. But ask them what else can I do? And what is that? And what do I not have? Yet not how to like you know how it creates a lot of confusions. So ask what I want first, then when you have a better mental state, then as how when you asked how you starting to go to look for your answer, and like a podcast, like what you have here, Tina, and other resources that is actually outside like a Facebook group or something. So that’s when you are so stop asking why start asking what? And then when you’re better go and ask how.
thright because then you’re going to put it all together. Because your mindset is moving forward.
Exactly. Exactly. Because it when we’re in depression and when we add that mental state, we are completely a train work. So we can’t think straight. So what how do we help ourselves to get the thing back straight? Is by asking the quality question that we have lost that we talk to ourselves all the time. Like that’s normal. It’s just like asking why. So why not talk to ourselves what instead. So it’s a really a control that you can gain back?
A lot to share this little story with all of your audience here. When I was about four years old, I did something naughty and I can’t even remember what it is. And my father, choose to have a knife step onto my hand to teach me a lesson. That was the first time I explained it. Experience feel. And I still got the marks to prove it on my arm. And when I was doing timeline therapy, he taught me back to that stage of what happened in that moment. And then it asked me one very ridiculous question. Have a guess what it is? It asked me to find the positive learning from that moment. And I’m like, my dad is stepping me, I can see my vein is green and blue and blood is gushing out. So you want me to find a positive learning? I’m like, abcdefg? Are you kidding me? So I say Okay, so what is the positive learning, I’m like, Ah, he’s not such a bad person, I forgive him. And then all of those stuff. The last thing I said was, I’m in control. That completely changed my life, because I was going for a sec, my second depression at that time.
And it’s like, wow, I realized that I can’t be in control of that situation. I can’t be in control of that, what other people do, but what I can be in control now is my brain and how I think it’s like a snip switch that you just set that wake me up at that moment and say, Wow, I was living like a zombie for the last few months. I feel like a corpse that have no energy. No, I have a face on but that’s it. I was empty, alone, crying for help. But I was too scared to share myself. I don’t know what to do. But until that moment, that switch to me as I hey, I’m in control. Wow, that completely changed my life and give me that emotion again. And so I can start asking how again, like, what again, and then before I ask for help, that’s really nice. Thank you for sharing that. Because I, I know that you have to start looking at Well, you don’t have to do anything.
Don’t Suffer in Silence is just a perspective! But to to change your perspective and look at it is, that’s their Apple, that’s their stuff that’s there issues or forgiveness and compassion and empathy for someone who has those opinions? Yes, I guess that’s, and that’s building your strength up within yourself to be able to have that attitude. Because when you’re in the dark, and you’re being mentally abused, you don’t feel strong, you don’t feel like you can take over the world, or that you can even say anything to someone who’s yelling at you, you know, you you find yourself little and fearful and scared, very scared. So what, um, is there anything that you can say to yourself, but during those moments of, you know, I’m sure you had many of them to Martha, where the persons overtop of you. And, you know, it’s this, that it’s all pointed at you.
And I think that the best thing is, again, to learn that one sentence and although into your head, I respect the other people model of the world, is their thing is not my thing, no matter what they say is their belief is not valid.
My belief that helped me to keep my core that really helped me to keep my COVID because it is hard when you are in an argument. And as I like, you know, do you want me to leave? Do you want me to stay like no, give them an option. So I become this really hot woman. But in the same time is that understand that I’m respecting you for giving you an option as well. So you have to learn to respect me, simple as that. So having that boundary coming out. That is something that we have to learn and something that we have to build up. And that’s why that people have an option to choose to come into our broadcast today and learn a few things from us. Because that knowledge stick with us forever. It may not. Yeah, it may not come up in your normal good days. But this conversation you’re listening to right now could come up when you are in need. And that’s what we wanted to do to be able to provide you and I’m sure is Tina’s mission here to give you the backup plan. When you need it.
We hear it’s there. And I find it so crazy that I wish that we had training in school when you’re younger, to be able to, you know, have that maybe kung fu fighting type of you know how they teach women to be better prepared for that, you know, to how to look after yourself. I wish there was that kung fu fighting for the outside and the inner work that you could be strong. and powerful on the inside. You know, it might be against that horrible boss that you come up across that you don’t know how to handle. And all you do is leave growing, going away crying, or it might be a partner or a girlfriend or a relative or someone else that’s treating you like crap. And I think I think that would be a really good career is to have the fighting aspect as well as the inner work aspect to combine, that would be cool.
Yeah, there’s a lot of teen coaches out there as well, that who help with that. But one other thing that a lot of people don’t realize is that we have also as a parent, we are the adult that we have the responsibility to share that as well. When every single time we disrespect our kids, we don’t give them an option, we are taking that power away. We’re telling them not to do this, instead of like, of course, if they’re killing themselves, that’s a different story. But like not allowing them to do something, we are actually taking the strength of their confidence away. So helping them to learn how to build up their confidence from a young age, how letting them know that they can say no to a certain thing, how learn how to set healthy boundaries, or one themselves just like you’re dating a guy for the first time you learn not to sleep with them on the first night, something like that, that we can actually teach them as adults, we can teach them as parents.
Yeah, because the only thing that I ever remember my mom saying to me, and it wasn’t for a date or anything, it was just going to a friend’s house, she would say, if you never feel uncomfortable, or that you feel not loved or something strange is happening, just say Oh, I’m sorry, I hear my mom calling. I better go now. So that was that was her out, like for allowing me to know when when it’s okay to know that it’s not alright, to still be there. And I think that was a really good thing for a young girl to know or a boy to know that it’s okay to feel uncomfortable. And know what’s wrong, right from wrong at that time. Exactly. And that does come from a parents of how we teach them I know these days that we are all trying to fight fight for our live and put food on the table. And that is the common excuse that our like us as parents do. And like we said that, okay, we don’t have time to look at the keys at the time that we finish all of that we’re already exhausted. And as I Okay, then, how about we work on something that everyone can share the task to make things better? There’s always an option and a solution to things. It’s just depending on how we see the situation. And do we allow that there is an option available? And to know there’s an option? That’s a mind state as well.
Yes. Because play a point when you’re in the dark, and that black room? Gosh, it’s hard to see the light between the door
Oh, man. It is it is tough. But the good thing is, guess what there is a light behind the door.
There is and it’s beautiful, once you open it, and it’s it’s anything that you can put your mind to. It’s magical. It’s beautiful. It’s whatever that you see is the most beautiful thing in the world. And that’s what’s behind that door.
Exactly. And it is, it is okay to have a slip up. I always say like, because we’re human, we have slip up time. But it’s also allowing ourselves Okay, once after the slip up, it’s time to get back on track and doing what we have best seen. And it does take time to build up a confidence build up your audience by up to 40 it does take time, but we got to learn to be patience. A lot of people have lack of patience that are like I saw something on the internet yesterday, as I Oh, I hate those groups in fires and stuff like that. I hate connecting to people and she wants to be a coach. And I’m like, okay, your model is your model of the world if you don’t like to connect with other people, I understand your field but maybe like I didn’t say that but in my head is you need to go and find a job instead of actually trying to connect with other people if you hate connecting to other people, like a lot of people like to think that they can do something but then they say like you know they see oh my god is overwhelming what I need to be on social media and anybody on podcasts I need to be showing my face really. It’s like having that confidence like okay,
I don’t mind my double chain. I don’t mind that I haven’t got my hair done properly. I’ve got to have fun long. I don’t mind. You need to have built up that confidence within and that’s what I teach them with my coaching call To teach people the first thing to do is not about how to become a coach is about how to become you.
That’s the first thing. Isn’t that the truth? So tell before we go tell us about your books.
My books I have, okay, my first one is called Five, don’t survive, even when times are tough.
I was inspired during conflict that I feel like we’re in lockdown is so scary. And I thought, you know what, I’m just gonna put everything together into this little book. It’s a two minute we are for every single tips there. And just to give them a bit of motivation. Yeah, it’s like, I know, the artwork wasn’t done by me. I tried to play around with a little bit, I didn’t know how to fix it at that time. So yeah, things like that.
That’s the second book I made was designed for coaches to help them get out of their overwhelming feeling because I was feeling burnout and over time, and overwhelming at that time. And the first one was, our action is proof, which is something that I write dedicated to my cat, that who passed away because I was feeling like shit during that time. And it was my choice to get out of bed or just stayed that and I choose to take little steps at a time to allow myself to get out of it. And the fourth one was the gobo achiever collaborative book.
And the last one that I just did was the super confidence success formula is this for people that who wants to build up confidence in themselves and find out the way my beautiful funnel designer, Dawn walls have first helped me to put in a little link together, I sent it to Tina already. So you can get two of my books, which is the fire five, don’t survive, even when times are tough. And the action is cool. six steps to stop procrastination. And anything you dream is possible as long as you take action to COVID. So those two books are for all your audience here to enjoy to download. And I have empowerment sessions linked in there as well. If you are suffering from our issue, if you want to find a safe space to reach out for help, I want to be that person for you to be able to reach out and say, Hey, this is what we can do right now. And giving you a light behind that door. And to let you slowly open that door slowly to realize that light has always been there.
Yeah, for some reason, you just don’t see the damn thing.
Martha says, “Don’t Suffer in Silence is being vulnerable”! A lot of us don’t. And it’s it’s a challenge. But we will give him patient and the white guidance and give them the support and give them the respect to be at their own place. A lot of us in coaching that we like we can see the end of the tunnel already of this is the best solution for them. However, as a client, they will not be able to see it so quickly. And what if we push them that way, like shooting a free pointer and a basketball view, they get scared and they run away from the other side. So instead of doing that, let’s do a criss-cross step for them. So they can go under the basket to start shooting the ball in. That makes them feel a lot better and a lot easier to take. Like I said, being vulnerable is a step in a journey now. I’m able to be here today to talk about everything in took me almost a year to actually get to this stage. It’s not easy, but I’m proud of that. I’m doing it. And every single time before I go on to a podcast I do get a little bit nervous as well don’t know what it’s gonna be. But I guess that we did pretty well. Should I know too much maka. let’s get let’s remember this as well. There’s always no failure. There’s only learning and feedback. And by taking the learning in the feedback, that’s how we become kick ass the next time.
That’s absolutely it. Lessons after lessons after lessons. That’s what we’re here for. Right. Oh, thank you. That was awesome. Did you want to say anything else for the final messages to the audience?
I want everyone to know that there is always a backup plan. No matter what situation you’re in. There is a way out. Tina, her podcast is a wonderful way for way for you to know what is out there for you. So subscribe, like her channel, and stay connected with all of us because we are here for you when you want her to be.
Oh, that’s awesome. Thank you. I would I wish I would have known you five or six years. Oh yeah.
You know, it’s when you’re in it and you don’t know what to do. You could always use a friend like Martha, to give you that guidance, I’m sure. Thank you. Thank you, Tina. Well, thank you everybody. It was a beautiful, beautiful and why not? Why isn’t it not a great show when it Scotland me doing this great work for you guys too. I bring taboo subjects, like, Who would have ever thought we could talk about these things with each other and getting them out there? Because I always said, Why do we not see this? Why can we not see it from a different angle when we’re struggling inside, and you allow us to see this from a different light, Martha. So thank you so very much. You have that, you know, I always say Bernie Brown says everyone has a story that will bring you to your knees and be the survival guide for someone else. What will your story be? And that’s exactly Martha. Because you have learned all these things to share with our listeners. So thank you for having the courage, and the grace and the compassion for for your own situation to be able to share it with us today. Thank you.
If you would like to reach out to Martha Mok, here are her social media links for you
Martha Mok guides women who may have had a similar experience as she did, being in an abusive marriage, bullied at school since a young age and sexually molested by someone she trusted. To find themselves again by not letting their past hold them back. She creates a super confident woman. Martha is known as the super confidence coach, motivational speaker, entrepreneur, multi-award-winning International makeup artist & hairstylist and author. She coached in the areas of; life, business, self-worth and relationships. Her specialty is empowering new coaches to run their profitable coaching business. By using her knowledge and personal experiences, she empowers others to improve their life situation to achieve happiness by unlocking their potential from within. Opting for different strategies to unlock their fear and barriers allows them to find the strength to face their challenges. Her mission is: No women should suffer in silence
Comments are closed