20 min After Death experience makes you a better person, grateful for what you have and what you can have! Our amazing interview this week, with one of my favorites is Scott Drummond.
“Sometimes a near death experience helps them put things into perspective”, Anne Shropshire
Hey, Scott. Hello. I would like to give you an A wonderful introduction from Scott Drummond, who comes to us as a retired retired government worker for 16 years now.
Our title this week, of course, is 20 minutes after death experience and for many the question of What happens when we die is a mysterious one?
From a recent survey found 55% of people are absolutely certain there’s an afterlife 37% are not certain. And 8% are certain there isn’t an afterlife. Isn’t that interesting stats. But for some who have been through near death experiences, the question has a clear answer. And I’m sure Scott’s going to share that with us today. Well, welcome Scott, I’m so blessed, and happy to have you on our show today. Thank you, thank you so very,
WHERE DID YOUR STORY START?
And I’d like to start where does your story start? Scott, from? What kinds? Where did it all begin for you?
Well, I guess from a very young age, I’m 68 years old now. My experience started when I was 28. But it started way before that, really dead I, I grew up, like most people, you know, at a normal learning about life. And mine kind of changed a little bit I and my younger years, I played a lot of sports. And so I kind of loved the game of sport. And my drive in life was to, to be a professional ballplayer. And that was what I did. That’s, that’s all I wanted to be in life. That is life went on and, and my, my career ended, I decided to get a job and take care of my family. Well, that’s no fun. For beautiful kids. We, we kind of changed the way we were doing things a little bit. And yet, as a, as an athlete, you have a drive. And it’s no different when you get into business, you still have that drive. And the drive is escalating, to have gang, it’s just normal on the way of this world. And when I turned 28 years old, and had this experience, I had to re evaluate everything that was going on in my life. And I’ll tell you a little bit about the story. And then I’ll kind of back it up later. Sure.
We, you know, I was with a friend of mine, and we went skiing, and I love to ski and her dad at most of my life and we were up at Park City and we were just having a good time. And I’m standing in the lift line and one of the there was a lady that was coming down Poles were going every which way and and she ran into me in the lift line. And it was okay. You know, we picked her up and she got back in the lift line and we kept on going well, I end up skiing the rest of the day. And at the end of the day, I went to the car and I was taken off my ski equipment and put it in the car and took off the globe. And my thumb was hanging straight down. And I knew I knew I was kind of in trouble. Because when I got in the warm car start heating up I started hurting.
Yeah. Oh, and so we scheduled start surgery and I met at the hospital in May. The doctor laid me down on the table and and put a sheet just kind of went right over by between my head my shoulder, lay down on the table and he pulled my arm out and started working on my thumb. Well, they didn’t have an anesthesiologist. She was called away on another assignment. So what they did is they caught they did a they call a bear block. It’s a tourniquet that they put on your arm. And if I show you here, but it was right here on my arm, and I had to bounce on it. And it’s an inflatable tourniquet and they don’t use them anymore because of the against some of the problems they had with it. Well, when I when they started the surgery, you will it go on well, and things started getting a little tight as far as pressure on my arm. And so what you do is you have two valves, you It first of all tightened up, she loosened up one of the bowels and the other one stayed tight. So the medicine would still work well on my arm. Well, while longer started, the pressure started coming on again. And she instead of tightening up the one valve, and then loosen in the second book, she opened up the second one. And that’s when I felt the medicine going up my alarm up into my chest and across into my heart.
Now, I remember before the started her telling the doctor that she’d never done this procedure before. Because Oh, nice. Oh, just said already take always taking care of it. And the doctor says, I’ll talk you through it because he had done before. Now, like I said, I don’t thought about this nurse. And I don’t fault the doctor. It’s just something that happened.
Right. The next thing I knew I had left my body. And I was sitting up above, watching the surgery. And I was watching the doctor put stitches in my hand. I was watching he put a thumb back together. And I watched him take some stuff out of my arm, tendons out of my arms, and wrapped around my thumb, and I watched him put a screw in. And what was odd is I was standing. I was sitting up there watching this whole thing. But I wasn’t alone. There was someone that was sitting next to me that I didn’t, I couldn’t see. They were sitting right next to me, but I couldn’t see him. But I knew I wasn’t alone. When did you have a feeling of who they could be? Did you feel you know, I don’t I like I said, I never did see the person other than when they talked to me. It was like I knew that voice. So whether it was somebody I knew previously or a guardian angel or said somebody was there with me. I wasn’t alone. And after watching a surgery happened for an I’m not sure how long because there was no clocks. No time that I could see I knew about or I could see. The person next to me said it was time to go. And there was no question in my mind that he didn’t talk to me mouth to mouth. He talked to me through my mind. And in a twinkle of an eye I went to a different place. And before I say what happened in this next place from the time that I left my body I was in total peace I don’t know if you’ve ever felt peace before in your life but this was a different kind of peace. It was a very calming very like everything was okay. safe to say yeah, you’re safe.
But when I went to the, to the next place, I was standing in a field and in this field was on my very far left was real tall trees. And it was the most unusual trees that I’ve ever seen. It was a long long trunk on it real tall with just leaves up on top. Which I have never ever seen a tree like that. I mean I’ll recognize it when it happens to get I hope but a I’ve never seen a tree like that before. And then on my left in between where the trees were. And where I was was beautiful, beautiful wildflower. It was the most vivid colors I have ever seen. I’m a I’m a gardener. I love flattened flowers and doing vegetable gardens. But I have never ever seen that vibrant colors in my life. And it’s colors that I’ll never forget because it would be something that I would like to create if I could someday. Yeah so so beautiful. So beautiful. Right? really pretty. Now this these flower wild flowers were probably up well, I they they looked like they were up around my waist or Like a meadow, like a meadow, right? That would be, I can’t even say it was a meadow because it was an open field, just with flowers, just tall wild flowers. But in front of me, and then to the right, there were tall grass. And the tall grass was, again, somewhere around my waist area. And I remember the grass kind of flowing.
It was it was so peaceful. That there was a piece I can’t really describe. It’s a piece that I try to feel every day. But I it’s not the same, but I try to emulate it as much as I can. Because it just felt so perfect for you.
It felt so good. So good. And I sat there for a while and kind of looked at the beauties. What was so different about this place that I was at, as I can see, a long ways to the left. A long ways to the right. I wasn’t allowed to look back. And I could I could see forward but it was there was clouds in front of me. And why I don’t know. But it was it was it was a cloud.
Just had to put this one in there for Y’all!
And then all of a sudden, I felt like I was that person was gone that brought me to that place
that place. Yeah. Did you feel? Did you feel other than the peacefulness? Did you feel like warm air? Or like any other senses? Did you feel? No, it was, it was too perfect. It was it was nothing to be concerned about it was it was just a good, good feeling. At that time, when I felt that person not there anymore. I started watching a video of my life. And it started when I was born all the way until I was 28 years old. And some things that I was felt good about some things I did not feel too good about. But what it was is was real was it like on fast forward like a fast moving video,
I got to see it. It was pretty, pretty vivid everything that happened to me.
And all the way up until I was 20 years old. And it was like you Okay, the video was over. And like I said, some of it was good. Some of it was not so good. But I there was no way to argue it. Talk to what I saw was what it was. And I was I accepted it. And I knew I knew that I was dead. There was his feeling like I was now first of all, I was instructed not to look back. Yeah, no, it was I was to move forward. And after I watched, watch that video, I I knew I had to do better. There was something I you know, I had to do better at something. I couldn’t look back at what happened and know that I failed. It’s just that I knew I had to do something better. Well, at that time when the video was over, I just kind of went okay, whatever’s next is next. And I stood up and and started walking forward towards that cloud.
And I’ll never forget that that cloud because it was the most calming feeling all the way from where I watched the video of my life all the way to the cloud. I knew everything was gonna be okay. And I judged myself. Nobody else judge me. I just judged myself. Then all of a sudden about this much of an hour came to the cloud. And I went to reach for like a man’s hand arm or a woman’s It was a man’s arm. And I remember I remember looking at that arm and they can look like somebody that was a farmer or somebody that worked in construction had big arms. They were they were bigger than And I’m, I’m not a small man, I’m, I’m 632 160 pounds, and his arms are bigger than mine.
And I remember his hands were strong. My hands, I felt like our strongest to me. But his hand his his hands were his fingers were a lot more Meatier than mine. So I could tell that he was a very strong and had work, heavy work or done something that made him strong. But then I, as I went to to grab that hand a voice came that says it is not yet your time you have more things yet to do. And that’s a saying that I have never ever forgot. And never will, because that was so pertinent to the situation and, and so much of an issue at the time. Yeah, I don’t know how to I don’t know how to explain it. Well, because you’re sitting there, you know, where you’re supposed to move forward, but you weren’t sure what was next.
So I just was there. Yeah, it was weird. It was a twinkling of an eye that I was back in my body. And I, I did not want to come back. The feeling that I had was indescribable. When it came back into my body, the doctor said that I had looked like I had a war going on in my body. Oh, because I was all over the table. And I I told him later when he when we sat down and talk that I didn’t want to come back. I I felt like I came back because I was a very selfish person.
I had mostly everything that I in life, you know, playing. I played over in Europe and played basketball and played college ball and basketball or baseball and I’ve you know, things were Earned it.
But a lot of things were given to me. Right. And but one thing that I did not do is I could have been better to people. And I could have been better to other people that helped me along the way. And I saw things that that I walked away from instead of helping people with. And I felt like that that was one of the reasons why I was sent back. Now, when they were willing me out of the out of surgery, into the hallway, I had a paper on my chest. And on that paper that I had been, I had been dead for 20 minutes. My wife didn’t know that I died. In fact, it was something that we didn’t talk about for for quite a while. Because I thought what had happened was well was was surreal was it? You know, how do you take something that I saw and try to share it with somebody else? Yeah. How do you start explaining that? I didn’t know how to do it. And to be honest with Yeah, it took took a took quite a while for me to talk to my wife about it. And I shared it with her and I shared bits and pieces of it with my kids. But to talk about it with anybody else wasn’t on the wasn’t on the we put on the table.
Right? What did the doctor say Scott? Were they was he surprised?
SURPRISED THE DOCTOR
Oh, he was he was shocked. You know, for three days after the surgery. He would come into the hospital room and talk to me and ask me questions and and who was at the you were talking to who was you know, who was you fighting with? Who was you know, what was going on on that table and he was he was shocked when I told him about the stitches at put up my hand and and the ligaments say they took out of my forearm and wrapped around my thumb and the pan he says you couldn’t have seen that. He said there was a sheep Between you and me. You couldn’t have seen that. And I? I told him Well, I did. I saw it. But I couldn’t go into any detail with him because I think I was crazy. Maybe. Needless to say, it took me from 28 years old to 67 to really come out and talk about this, and it was a it wasn’t really wasn’t anything that I had planned. I, we went, What? I have a friend here that His name’s Wes and, and we were we were talking one day, and I was telling him I’m not afraid to die. And he says, oh, everybody’s afraid to die. And I said, No, I’m not. I, I know that there are something after this. And I know that. If I do better in life, maybe there’ll be a better place for me. And that that was a year before he came back to me. In fact, it might have been over a year. And he, he came back and he says, you know, with this COVID thing happening right now he says people need some hope.
They need to know what kind of ahead of them. And I told him, I told him no. I said, I can’t talk about it. And finally, I went back and talked to my wife about it. And she says, Well, maybe the timings right. Maybe it’s time for you to say something. Maybe other people might need some hope for somebody that needs some piece of a family member dying or. And I just kind of took it took it at that. And then finally I said Well, I guess maybe I’ve held it inside long enough. But I learned this every day. I mean, I I see these things. Since I’ve 28 years old. I know the details. And what happened. And I’ll never forget something that I’ve tried to work on. And you know, each day is a different day. As you all know, Tina, every day is different. We, what we do today affects us for the rest of our lives. It does and let it happen. But make tomorrow a better day. And something that I’ve done. It’s strange, but I replay prioritize my life almost every day. Okay, what happened yesterday? And what am I going to do today, you know, to make this better? And I’m not perfect. Please don’t. Please don’t even think that I am just a regular person. But I try to do better every day, hoping that I can maybe make a difference in somebody’s life. And hopefully, maybe through this, I might be able to make a difference in somebody’s life on your show.
I wanted to ask you because of your story. I had a very similar experience. My ex father in law was passing away in the hospital, in the hospital room, and it was just him in the room. And there was about nine people sitting around his bed. And we were been there for about three days. And I couldn’t seem to go in the room and stay in the room. I was too hot. I was sweating. Literally sweat was pouring down me. And so I leave the room and I come back in and I was nice and cool out in the hallway and I go visit other patients in the hospital on the floor. And I come back in and I would see him shake his head and he couldn’t really talk but he would mumble like he was talking to someone and everyone else was sitting there with their coats on. And I kept saying to everybody, aren’t you guys hot like I am drenched. I am so hot. And I didn’t know what that feeling was like you because you’re you’re in the moment and you’re not really sure what you’re experiencing. I’ve never actually experience that before. And you could see him talking. But he wasn’t talking to us. So that’s similar to what I guess the doctor saw you doing. And then all of a sudden, when he died, that air of the cloud, it was like a cloud. It was like, it was like, there was a cloud in the room, and it just lifted and then there was all of a sudden fresh air in the room. And he left. And it was such a, it was such a different space have the tension of the energy and the heat in the room to it cooling off and dissipating. It was truly magical. And I couldn’t explain it either. I felt very much like you. People would think I’m crazy. Because they couldn’t understand what was happening. Like, I knew the people from who he was talking to were there. And I’m sure they were trying to tell him, he’s okay. He can come. You know, you’ll be fine. And he kept on he’d shake his head every now and then you’d see him talking. So he was chatting with them, obviously. But for me, I’m on the outside looking in. I’m thinking What the heck is going on? So yeah, I feel I bet you felt that piece. Oh, yes. This is very, very real. It sure is, was that that was a piece of love. That was shared with you.
LIVING IN THE MOMENT
Imagine that when your habit happened? You don’t like everyone was getting mad at me because I was so hot. And I couldn’t help it. I I just felt it. I could totally feel them all coming towards him saying Come on. It’s it’s time for you to go. Come on. It’s okay. I just I mean, I literally didn’t see them. And I couldn’t but I I felt it. So it’s that feeling that you can’t seem to explain. Right? I can totally understand. Did you feel the air difference? Like Did you feel it cooler or warmer or anything? Do you feel remember?
No, because I was actually living the moment. I wasn’t somebody outside look at in. Actually just live in the moment. Yeah, that was fun for you.
Yes, Yes, it was. It was special. Although I thought it was crazy at the time like you. Because it’s so hard to explain. I mean, nobody explains that to us. And you couldn’t you still can’t figure out who that person was that was there with you. You just knew it was recognized.
I just know that I recognize the voice. I’ll never forget the arm. I’ll never forget that arm in a you know, I’m a Christian. And I’ve always believed you know that Jesus Christ would would meet me when it was time and that voice was so familiar. I don’t know how to explain it other than it was a very warm and very calming voice. I’ll never forget that voice. recognize it when the time comes again.
Yeah, absolutely. I guess they’re there to help us and guide us and you were definitely being guided to what you should be doing.
Whatever that is, I hope so. So all I do is just try to I try to be a good person. And I think all of us need to be kinder to other people and you know, during this time, you know watching what’s going on with the nurses and doctors and this COVID activity I you know, I’m I said this before on my video, I’m not the hero. These people are are my heroes, as first responders are their heroes are the ones that help them. They take care of them they try to bring them back you don’t you know you feel bad for those that are the long haulers, you know that are having problems afterwards. And I was fortunate enough not to get COVID and I’ve had my shots. I’m thrilled to death. I’m fully vaccinated. Yay. Yeah, it is it sure caught. It’s a common feeling. But even during that whole time, there was no fear. I that’s one thing, I guess, that I’ve, I’ve been blessed with is, since that time is I, you know, I don’t get nervous about life.
You know, what is supposed to happen to me is going to happen to me. And it’s like anybody, it can happen at a blink of an eye. You know, we could be here we could, we could leave our houses and walk cross street and get run over by a car. Yeah, you know, are we ready? No. But we can try to be good to other people. And yourself. Yeah, try to be good to yourself.
Take it another step. It’s obviously definitely changed your life. And I know after my few experiences I’ve had it’s changed mine because it takes a while to kind of sink in, doesn’t it? afterwards, did that take a while to really process it?
Well, I I’ve been process trying to process most my life. You know, first of all, why me? And most of our right now why am I sharing it? You know, I, I thought this was a very, and it still is a very sacred thing to me. very private to me. I I I still can’t believe I even came out and said anything about this in the first place? You know, I’m not in this for gain. If anything, I’m if I can help somebody get to where they want to be. I’ll help them wherever I can.
And what kind of baseball did you play? For? What teams did you play for it?
I just played college ball. High School.
Nice. Nice. Yeah, we come from softball lives. Sounds fun. Yeah. My one daughter plays. Yes, yes, our days are over. So you have to hope that your kids can enjoy it as well. So you had all girls then?
No, I have two boys are the oldest a both went into extreme sports I I like snowboarding and and mountain biking and Cliff climbing and they did the extreme sports. And then I have two girls that are younger. And they’re both active and, and good girls.
Nice. I think you’re probably supposed to share it because things seem to change during COVID. I think. I think our realization of life changed. And it’s probably pushed you to show that experience to others to help heal others because I think we all have worried about having that family member that you weren’t be able to sit beside while they were dying. Or while they were recovering. Or, you know, it changed our lives the way people were being in hospices not being able to go visit or long term care facilities. And if everything just changed in the blink of an eye, basically.
And I previously had an experience, my mother in law just passed away. And she was in her 90s and sweet, sweet lady. And all three of her kids were able to be there and I was one of them, as well as them being in the room. And it was a it was a sweetest feeling that anyone could have had. She was very coherent, paying attention to everything that was going on in the room. And all of a sudden locked up in the corner of the room and then passed away. And I knew that I felt that feeling. I felt it very vividly. And I told the three kids I say she’s gone. I know that feeling. And but yet, it was a very sweet feeling. And I was I was thrilled that all of the kids were able to be there with her during that experience.
Something that I’ve never shared Tina is ahhh. This is something else it really holds tight in my heart is I was I was given a gift. You know, I got a gift to come back. Yeah, I get, I get to be with my wife now 47 years and I get to see my kids grow up and I get to see my grandkids grow up. And I mean, I wouldn’t have had that experience effect, I wouldn’t even have met my youngest daughter, because she wasn’t even born yet. But I felt like I’m the I’m the luckiest man there is. To be able to, first of all have a great wife. I mean, we’ve had 47 great years together now have they been easy? No. She’s a woman, I’m a man. So you know, we, we, we work hard at it. And we try to help each other wherever we can. You know, when you’re when you’re talking about gifts, I see something that most people don’t see in their lifetime. When I go to funerals, I actually get the opportunity to see people at their funerals. When they go into their funerals a up in the upper right hand corner I see there, I see him. And it’s not something that that is
imaginary. It’s not imaginary. It’s It’s It’s there. It’s real. And I don’t know why that gift was given to me. But I get to see their smiles as they look over their families. And I think that they’re happy. They look happy.
And the last one, that funeral that I went to, I normally just see one person. This time I saw several people that were there. And I think it was there might have been their family members that were there with them. This is a I don’t know why this happens. But I felt like this was a gift. And I don’t talk about this very much. But it’s it’s one of those things that I feel very fortunate. Well, it’s funny because my cup today exists. It’s exactly what you are. You’re blessed. You’re blessed to show a point to your spear you’re blessed to be given that opportunity to, to really share with yourself as with others. It’s beautiful, beautiful story. Do you think you would have grabbed that man’s hand? Do you think?
Yeah. Yes, I was trying to grab it. But he said you’re not ready yet? No, you’re not yet your time you have more things yet to do.
That’s beautiful. And so you’re living out still have those different things? Has there been any other instances where it’s flashed back to you in certain cases?
reminded Yes. flashback No. But a little, a little voice reminding you. Well, myself, definitely reminding myself what I need to do.
How do you think your kids feel about the story?
I don’t know. I can’t, I can’t tell you how they process it. And I can only tell you that. It makes me feel good. But if I’m able to tell him about it. I haven’t. I’m hoping that what it does is it gives him maybe a little comfort knowing that there’s more to this life than than being here. It really put in my mind that there must have been something before we came here. There definitely something while we’re here and there’s definitely something after we’re not here.
Right. But you just haven’t figured that part out yet. I keep working on it. It’s kind of like, Are there aliens? You know, when we’re not really sure. We’re not sure. It could be maybe just people from the past for all we know, who knows, but I’m not the scientific person, but I, I can feel your energy from, from that feeling because there’s, I can’t explain to listeners, how beautiful, how warm and like you don’t even question yourself. Like if some stranger came and put their hand out, you would obviously question yourself, do I go forward? Do I grab their hand do not grab their hand, like, you literally do that? Right? You just don’t reach out grab anybody’s hand. But in that circumstance, it’s just so different. Right? Yeah. It’s just so peaceful and so welcoming, and so touching and so warm and inviting, and I just don’t have enough words to tell how it feels. I’m totally there with you on. On that comfort it gives you to know that you’re not alone. And that there’s people up there looking after you. I guess. Is that how you feel like there’s other people, I there are no doubt in my mind that they’re guardian angels, or what we know, and if we listen to, you probably won’t get in quite as much trouble.
Yeah, they just don’t. They just don’t tell us the lottery numbers. They have other purposes for us to be kinder people to be going in a certain direction or whatever that looks like right? Did you have any other final messages you’d like to tell the listeners about your experience?
Don’t worry about what happened yesterday. What were you worried about is what happens today, minute by minute. Just try to do better in this world.
Yeah. And unquestionable. That’s what I find so unusual to myself is that you don’t question it. It’s, it’s just the way it is. Right. That’s the feeling. Yeah. Oh, it’s just so beautiful. our listeners, I can’t believe that we had this opportunity to share this with Scott today. Thank you, Scott. Thank you. So very, very, thank you very, very much for coming on the show today. It’s it’s been an awesome interview with you Scott. I can’t explain it. I hope everyone else has understood and believed and and to have hope. I think that’s that you can you can make amends you can make things better. Right in life back. Right. Well, thank you Scott for coming on the show. I truly appreciate it.
Thank you for being here listening, prepare for the unexpected, because you don’t know what that might be what that might look like. Scott has told us an experience that is unbelievable. But truthful. And I don’t even know what words to say. It’s more than motivating. inspiring. I’m not really sure because there’s so many depths to what you say, Scott, you know, to being present in the moment. And then being looking over top of the situation as well. And then being put somewhere else to say you’re guided here. Do you want to come you’re not ready, you go sit back. That’s basically the summary of your story. And it really truly is. Unbelievable, because it’s beautiful.
You know, Because each week I interview real life stories about real life people, just like Scott, who you can’t get any better story than that, because it’s a life changing event that changed Scott and Connie’s life forever. And it’s a beautiful story for each and every one to realize that. It’s precious life is precious. And don’t give away that day that you are so lucky to have with your loved ones. I also talk about if there’s someone that you’re listening to the show right now that’s in your mind, about how much you love them, reach out and tell them today that you love them, and how much you care because you don’t know what tomorrow might bring. Stay Safe – Be Kind- Lots of Love
“Don’t suffer in Silence” says, Martha Mok. Martha Mok is the Super Confidence Coach, motivational speaker, multi-award-winning international make-up artist, author, and entrepreneur with multiple businesses residing in Sydney, Australia. After overcoming sexual assault, bullying, and domestic violence, she found her life thriving through business and coaching. Her mission statement is that No Woman Should Suffer in Silence. She is currently using what she calls her Super Effective Results Formula to help coaches avoid overwhelm and create profitable businesses.
Her debut memoir, Don’t Survive, Thrive, is set to be released in early 2022.
“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls, the most massive characters are seared with with scars”, Khalil Gibran
Oh, thank you for coming on and, and really having the courage and embracing the moment to tell your story of your Your journey that you’ve had an experienced I’m, I’m anxious to hear about that.
It’s always lovely. It is one of the things that I have learned for the last year, to learn to be vulnerable to learn to be sharing my story, because I’m just like one of you listeners outside our doors are a wife, a partner, a sister. And we all have this power within us that we can reclaim our voice again, after trauma after depression after abuse. So that’s why I’m here today. And I thank Tina for giving us this opportunity. And to for us to connect and share our story.
Absolutely, that’s what I’m all about. Things changed, you know, during COVID. And I think we, we are looking and we’re drawing that sort of energy into all of us that we need that positivity. So tell us where it all started for you, Martha.
I have been a super confident coach for a woman for about a year now. And before that I’m a multi award winning international makeup artist. And during that time, I have these what we call the very shiny enterpreneur. And face. I’m on stage, I’m on our competition judge, and I’m very comfortable in my skin when I’m in my work mode. But at home, no one knows that I was suffering for over 30 years, that I was in an abusive relationship for 19 years, being bullied at school since the age of six, and was sexually molested by someone I trust when I was on the age of four. So all of that didn’t turn me into dark. And I choose to be light. Well, that is a choice, right that we don’t realize that we have. Yeah, absolutely. So how did you take all of that? What what kind of experiences? Did you find that you had obstacles in that timeframe?
I believe that is finding help. What was the hardest thing being with shiny mass. Like I said, it’s hard to be vulnerable. And it’s, it’s even shameful to even ask for help for things that happen at home. Like I wish that I knew about something like the your backup pan apps here that have people who can reach out. But during my time of depression and trauma, I didn’t know that there was help outside, I feel ashamed of who I am. I feel like that I’m the only outcasts outside that no one wants to know about my story, no one’s would care about my feelings. And I have to be tough and strong, just so that I can survive. And to be honest with you before I met my current partner now, I didn’t want to leave more than 60 years old, because I thought that that will be enough of a life for me to go for. So fans to my current partner, and becoming a coach myself, it has given me a future that I could only dare to dream before. So I’m so grateful for the opportunity to share my story with you and to connect with beautiful people like Tina here.
Oh, thank you. I really want to get the understanding of what position were you put in at four did it? Did you struggle to tell your parent or did you struggle to tell a friend or you know, my parents don’t really know what happened. That’s the truth is still hasn’t been
No, because they I always actually say a funny thing is I thank God they don’t understand English, so they don’t know what’s actually going on. So that helps. thing was like even just going to friends and family, you will leak out a little bit of information, but not all of it because you feel ashamed. And only to the people that you trust. Like I have two friends that actually knows the full story, the extent of the story that I was speaking in, but the it’s like peeling off a layer of of your onions, onions that you have inside, you starting to learn to take these little funny steps to actually share your story because it is scary.
It is like you have this fear of rejection, fear of judgment that is constantly in your head thinking about it. So going forward, that was tough, but I encourage anyone who have a story. The one other thing that I wish I could have done is to reach out for help. And to just ask, Hey, I am suffering from this at the moment. And I need help. And only when I noticed that it is okay to ask for help. I began to end my suffering. I began to actually ask for people’s support, getting their help to get out from my abusive marriage.
So you were abused. Then you got married. bullied, and then you got abused again.
Yeah, I think that sometimes that because we have vibrating in a different vibration. And when we are going into like from my school years, because I was always bullied and I cannot develop this show that as a Hey, you know what, no matter what I do, people will think that I’m awkward I’m read and you know what I just starting to absorb and and let it be. And when it’s starting to be absorbed, it’s things starting to get better in my final years of school. And we’re not because of that lack of connection, that emptiness, that loneliness that I felt all the time, I was craving for a partner, I was craving for someone who can give me a family who can be next to me and support me.
And so I married the first guy that I met my first boyfriend after two and a half months, 21 years old, got married while I was in Hong Kong doing a holiday. And I actually stayed there for four years as well. And Hong Kong working was not easy. I was very, very blessed. In my career sense. I was supervisor of marketing since the age of 21, I was given a lot of opportunity. But at home, I was so lonely. I was so sad. Every single night I go home, I face four walls, and I started to cry every single night. And my ex husband will be going out partying free for all caught at night. And sometimes I will even do more crazier thing, I get out of my own house, my apartment, and sit down, wait next to the bus stop trying to see if he will come home, I would sit there in the car for hours just waiting for him that craving and greediness of attention. Getting that our justification, I think that was my mindset at that time, wanting to be heard wanting to be here, but then come back with absolutely nothing and things did not get better. And you always tend to have hope. And I believe that in a marriage when we say our files for the good or for the bad for the sickness or in health. And I believe in that. And that’s why I stay and there was one more thing that kept me in that marriage for 19 years.
If someone wondering like, why didn’t you get out like you know, you have a choice statue, I made a promise to his dying mum that I will look after him after two years of us being together. So I kept that promise for as long as I could until I really couldn’t bear it so long. So the guilt of leaving him the trauma of what I face every single day. And I become the greatest pretender. Someone that you cannot tell what is going on inside of me. You can see me in a moody sense, when you don’t know why I am. And it affects me on not just my personal level my inside as well. And as far as my work because I could go moody when I’m actually working.
Oh, definitely it has it has a rebound effect in both your physical and mental and job. You could be the best actress I always said to hide the fears and the I don’t think you understand abuse in your own head. You know, so it’s hard to relay that out to someone because it’s all just a thought of why is that person doing that? Why are they saying that? You know, was it physical and mental abuse?
Pretty much. Yeah, mainly mental physical was a lot less. But still, the mental abuse is like, I was never good enough. I was never good enough. I will buy him the most expensive thing that I can afford. And then like an iPhone, I think I remember one of them was an iPhone. And it’s like, oh, it’s not in the limited edition color. Champagne goal. Is this a normal iPhone? And it’s like, yeah, I feel like I was constantly not good enough. And, and until at the end, I just asked the question, what like below, what would you like, what would it take for me to actually be the be the wife that you wanted? And he actually told me, You are not worth it. That’s the reason why I’m shooting. And I’m like, What? And then he said, yes, you’re worthless. So being told that for 19 years you signed to wake up after a while because he had to didn’t have to work for almost 10 years. Every time that he worked is still steal my money to actually go and do his whatever thing he do. He wouldn’t come home for weeks, and then I’ll properly see him every now and then. And we became a housemate instead of why a woman not even a one way because he’s like in a shalva isolated in a room. We don’t share a bed For four years, and I was still able to keep my silence.
And if I think about what that right now like back into the days that I am, I’m like, What? Like, I stopped asking why that is one other thing that I really wanted to share with everyone. When you keep asking for why your emotions go down because you searching for all the negativity to give yourself that validation, you wasn’t well accepted, what have happened, it has been happened and accepted as the way it is, and start asking yourself, what else can I do? What else can I do to actually get better of this? And that’s the question I asked myself on my 40th birthday. I asked myself, since I only got 20 years old, 20 years to live, what do I truly want in life. And I said, I wanted to be happy. So I finally took the courage to actually say, Hey, I don’t think this is working. I have been trying to get out of the marriage. And then he always called me back afterwards. And I’m like, No, on my 14 years old, I only got 20 years left to leave. I really want to know what it feels like to be a woman, what it feels like to be a wife, what it feels like to have a loving partner that celebrate my success, who cheer me up when I’m down?
Who have that comfort that I can have my shoulder on. It’s like during my dating years, which was was about a year and a half. I actually said that to guys that witches scare a lot of non color five guys away. So if all of you listening that wants to know about how to qualify your guide that you’re doing online dating. Yeah, I say do it. Because like, it’s about learning how to have your boundaries and having you’re like what you want out. And I’m like, after 30 years, I have enough of shutting up. Okay, I want to talk I want to express. So I give every guys that I talked to a very, very serious question. I tell they always ask you, what are you looking for? I’m not looking for handsome? Do they have five house and a dog and five cars? What I’m looking for? Well, that could help me.
Yes or No, because I’m looking for something even deeper. Because I’m a very successful entrepreneur myself. I don’t need that from a guy. Even that when I was ending my message, my ex husband took all my money. And I even gave you my car. So I was left with almost nothing to actually get out of that marriage. But even still, that I didn’t want that from the guy because I know what it feels like being they call it the golden bird in a cage that you’re not allowed to speak because you’re dependent on that person.
Or like no, that’s definitely not me, you know. So what I choose was to say these three things.
I want safety, security, and a sense of belonging, safety, meaning that I’m no longer being abuse, I don’t have verbal abuse, and I don’t have physical copies, we can have arguments, but we must at least be able to work it out and do not hold anger for more than 24 hours.
My security is that I just want him to have a job that he can provide for himself and I don’t have to qualify for him anymore. Because I have enough of being the breadwinner of a house is quite a stressful things. I guess I’m a makeup artist still. I have a lot of barriers and shoulders that is actually on me and I have enough of that after 19 years. The last thing is the sense of belonging. It’s actually not a sense of belonging to others. It’s a sense of belonging to be me that I can speak my exactly I can speak my voice I can be who I am I could put my makeup on looks amazing. And I can we my really degi clothes and like you saw before Tina, my pink socks to actually keep myself warm and I’m allowed to do that. So that’s the kind of person that I’m looking for.
And then I actually share when I online dating. It does scare quite a few people away. And I’m so grateful after a year and a half I finally find my ideal partner that who will cherish me for who I am. Allow me to be the unicorn, The Princess and the dinosaur. I always call it myself this multiple personality and and letting them know that what are they actually going to expect and and to curious to find out because I thought that at that time getting out of my marriage. 40 years old, I’m overweight. I’m not the prettiest girl. I don’t have much left. I’ll have a cat. And that’s it. That’s all I have left. So I’m like, okay, that is a little bit of a challenge in going on to online dating. And like I mentioned before, he was my, my ex husband was my first boyfriend. I don’t know anything about dating.
I haven’t had sex with another man before. So everything was new for me. It was like, in a jungle trying to find out, okay, I don’t have a lot of time to search. And as I okay, how am I gonna go for the energy scientifically desperate and, and trying to go needy and all of that. And again, that was another journey on itself, trying to express yourself and who your dignity and who your your boundaries. That is the biggest thing that I find for a woman that we need to learn to have our boundaries. And having that boundary allow me to build up a really strong connection with my current partner.
He’s absolutely amazing. And the funny thing was, Tina, what after being in an abusive marriage for 19 years, you come out, you still actually have that triggers in front of your eyes in your brain. So when you even when you meet the ideal person you don’t know because inside of you somehow you’re pushing him away. But the funny thing is about human psychology if he really wants you even you push him away, he still could coming. That’s what human psychology so ladies out there, this is what you do. Okay, guys, this well, you don’t trays, okay. You don’t like back crumbs and let them call back in. So that’s, that’s, that’s the method.
There you go. Yeah. And during that time, I didn’t know that he was my ideal partner, until my trauma therapist because we become a very good friends. And she said that Oh, wow. Isn’t that the perfect guy you’re looking for? And I’m like, Ah, really, really? And then I go back to my checklist. I was like, Yeah, he did take a lot of things. Yes, no one is perfect. We are all perfectly imperfect. But he did kick a lot of the boxes there, he is actually quite my ideal partner in it. So not until I realized that your heart still tend to have a barrier. And I’m not saying that you pour your heart out, like immediately back then because that will scare anyone away. That’s the truth.
If you’re in a relationship, like like a trip free is a lot nicer than pouring everything because it will scare anyone away. And, and just having that drip flowing a little bit faster than before. And I think that by doing that it helps to build up a relationship, if we will people connection, especially my partner, he’s actually a Navy. So he will be on deployments for months at a time like he’s gone for five weeks, he’s time. And then after that he’s gone for five months. But even for that, it doesn’t affect my insecurity. I don’t have that issue anymore thinking, Oh, one more time? Is he going to come home? Am I going to sit at a bus stop waiting for him to come? I don’t have that anymore? Because I finally find my sense of belonging from the inside that I feel amazing. Next to this person with me.
You right? And I guess it’s called self love. loving yourself from the inside out. And I just know what abusive relationships can do to you. And you really question yourself. You really question are Is it you? Is it something you said is it you know, and it just people are going to ask, Well, why did Martha state so long? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And mental abuse is like, to me, it’s very similar to bullying. Because the bullies, they always did it. I know with my own kids, it was the same thing. It’s hidden. It’s quiet. It’s it’s sneaky. It’s all of these things to manipulate your thought process. And, and I think when you jump out of it, like you said, and you’re dating, you have to start saying really saying to yourself, Is this a my thought? Or is this an old thought? Big I agree with you. Right? Right. You have to realize that thought you have to realize it, is it my baggage, you know is am I getting upset because it’s my baggage that I still have? Because you can never my marriage was 30 years so i i agree with you. And divorce now as well. And I think it just it’s like growing up years it’s stuck in your head so darn hard to get out of it.
It is because like recently, earlier the year my cat died like Like I mentioned before, that in my 19 years of marriage, the only thing that I had was a 16 year old cat. And she passed away of old age. And I went for three months of depression, again, gone into grief. And what adds to it was that my ex husband that I did not contact for almost two and a half years, he find me and text me the most horrible message that you can imagine calling me a bad mother calling me the most mean person in the world. How day am I and things like that? And I’m grateful that night when it happened, my partner was next to me. And I told him to can you just delete that message from me? Because I don’t want to see it. But it doesn’t mean it doesn’t go back in those old triggers that we have in our mind. And I started to question myself again, who the hell am I to be happy? Who the hell am I am I and I’ve been told I’m not worth it, even inside of you that you have the conscious mind of fighting back is like, No, I’m worthy. I’m worth it. I know what I’m doing and all of that.
But that creepiness in your unconscious minds and do notice our unconscious minds make up of 90% of my thinking for only 10% is actually logical and is conscious. So that corniness that starting to come back out on us. And that scared the shit out of me. And I was like, sometimes I would actually, like, have a tiny little bit of argument with my current partner, and I burst out crying. And then he hold me and I said that, why is he still controlling me? Why am I still feeling like this? Like, why? And he was like, after two years, two and a half years of working on myself. And I still have that feeling. And I’m like, why? until I started to do NLP training that changed my life.
And there was two sentence that I will use every single time now. If I am in the emotional state. Should I share it with everyone here? Yes, please. Wonderful. So what I have learned is that we have to respect the other people model of the world.
Whatever their thinking is, their thinking is how they always see it, it has nothing to do with us. So that takes a lot of pressure out of my shoulder, that I stopped needing to be the person that they expect me to be, I can finally go back within and say, Hey, this is Marfa, I’m allowed to be working. And I have to constantly repeat that questions in my head. We suspect the other people models of the world, and let them be their way. I’m not here to fight them. I’m not here to adjust them. I’m here to be myself and the best version of myself. So that sentence really help.
The second sentence that I’ve got is our belief is only weird to us. Every single person has different belief, just like you and I could like ice cream for different reasons. You like it for the sweetness, I like it for the freshness and the childhood memories that I got. So even that we do like something our belief and our reason to like it is different. So what if that person have a sense of belief, such as bullying, it’s like, oh, you look like a DAG, like, you know, you know, so like, you know, so our date and things like that. But then that’s their model of the world. And that’s their belief or fashion. I’m allowed to have my own belief, and giving myself that permission and say, thank you for your opinion. Have a wonderful day. That’s it. And that’s what a more deeper knowledge that once you learn, you can starting to take that out, instead of having anger, like a lot of time that when you talk up, you look fat in that dress. What is our initials, we action defensible shells on site. That’s what you get with that whole thing. Forget the dress, you’re just fine.
Yeah, so like all that defensive systems trying to come and fight. It’s like that when someone is angry at you do not ask that question. Why are you angry at me? What would that do immediately double for all the emotion for that person to think about why the reason that things like that.
So I develop another method is to actually thank them for their opinion. So I say thank you for your opinion. I appreciate it and have a wonderful day. Your answer is your art. I respect your model of the world. Your belief is your belief. So I respect you have a wonderful day. And knowing that alone, it gives me a lot more joy of life and sort of stop them from continuing that boring because a bully will only continue to come to you when you’re we act to something. If you don’t wait add to it. Everything signed to come down.
So I’m not saying that this is a counselor set This is a much smarter ad, because you are not their mum, you are not their father. Why do you want to teach them? And if your coach, and if they’re paying you, that’s a different story. So if a woman I don’t know. I don’t know, I don’t know, I think guys like no, my partner, he’s very good. So he’s also a coach himself. So he understand that fact as well. So whenever that we’re in a deep like a little bit of an issue, so he thanked me first, it’s actually very, very good to do that. Because once you thank someone or that defensive system come down. So if anyone are going into arguments, especially like what you said, a backup plan, if you’re in abusive relationship, like I was, if you have someone as kids yelling your head off, telling you that you didn’t set the table, why you didn’t cook a good meal, you didn’t clean the house properly, say to them, thank you for letting me know, I will take that into consideration. And I will work on it. Immediately, they cannot thank you for you anymore.
What true, thank you for your opinion, I will file this where it belongs.
Nice. That’s a good way to There you go. So there’s always better way for you to actually get out of things. Because there’s no point for go into an argument where you will get physically and mentally hurt. That’s how I actually learned self love. Now, before when I be very honest with your audience. I’m being very honest with you today. Now, during the time of my depression and going for trauma therapy, if anyone told me to have more self love, I literally give them the finger and say eff off. Because I fought. I love myself. I have a good job. I look after myself. Well, I eat well, I dress well, what is not that I’m not loving myself? Right? I think, you know, I think I was I thought that I was traveling everywhere by myself. I live in LA. I stayed no less than four and a half star hotel. For sure. As I like, you know, I look after myself. So what do you what are you telling me that about self love, I love myself, I didn’t know what self love means. I didn’t know. Not until I finally realized oh, self love is about having a voice. self love is about not being scared of what other people think of me. self love is about not fighting back but to actually protect my heart, protect my vibration, and protect me as a person. So I will not get stabbed on I will not get hit on I will not get a verbally abuse on. Oh, that’s what self love mean, and boundaries, of course, right? Yeah. And bond being able to set up boundaries.
Yeah, like that. That was That was tough one because I’m always this people pleaser. I’m always a nice person coming from a bully bully background, that you try to be that nice person that no one will actually have a chance to believe. And that carries to you for life. And now that I have not stopped being the nice person, I’m still nice, but I’m as blank as they come that I will still ask for one thing. When you try to give out an advice or opinion even with your friends or family or your kids even ask for their permission first.
Do I have your permission to be completely honest with you?
Do I have your permission to actually share my view with you? That’s It’s that simple. Because everybody likes to be respected. Everyone likes to have an option, then well, who are we to take that away?
Why not give it first so they feel respected? And you will get the same in return? Just like what people say I think the book called secret or the law of attraction, you always get what you asked for. So instead of asking for pain, start asking for forgiveness. Scott asking for respect. Just like that I saw this beautiful story of, of a parent that who has four of their keys killed on a wall accident. And what they come out to say was not blame. They said is forgiveness. I forgive that person who done that because I can’t go back into the past to fix this. But I can learn to forgive and forgive myself and forgive the person. And that was one of the most bravest most confident and most beautiful thing I’ve seen because we can get trapped in the emotion of thinking that I’m being abused and he’s the bad person. I’m being abused that that like not being bully. He’s the they are the bad person. And you don’t have to do that because it’s a choice in your head. That How do you deal with the situation now?
I just wish there was more movies about say you know, you Your story so that when we as women are put in those predicaments in marriages and partnerships and relationships, that we recognize what’s going on, because I feel that was one issue is that you don’t recognize those things are happening to you.
So because it is probably will go to our 18 instead of PG.
Very quickly. Yeah. But I just wish you know how many times like if I had watched a movie and thought, Oh, that’s happening to me? Oh, that’s weird. That’s that because you see it from a different angle when it’s not on to you, right? Or if you see it with a friend, you can see it because you’re on the outside looking at, you’re not on the inside. So it seems like you get stuck in that inside part, I would say. Definitely. And we do like, like, like we said all the time, that it’s very easy to coach another person, but it’s very hard to coach yourself. And I always say that, hey, when we’re in that emotional state, why not create our own on on Marfa and call it as sky angel or whatever you wanted to name her, and then start culture and start giving her advice? Because it’s a lot easier when you coach another person then coaching to yourself. That’s for sure. How many times have you thought of that, I’m sure.
Hmm, I wish that I wouldn’t create that avatar for myself. So I can coach that Martha’s like when you do hypnotherapy. So they go back into the space and time and teach that girls who was being abused there, and to tell them that like you know what she needs to do and how she’s protected. And I wish that I know the skill back into my days, to wise up and heal myself. Because no matter what sort of healing a healer does, and also a coach or mentor, all they’re really doing is not to give you advice is helped you to see what you have inside to help you to see the string because we are all equal. I believe that we actually own Nico, we all have the same confidence. We all have the same thing. And it’s about how we bring that out is like learning English. As simple as that. Anyone can learn English, if they choose to. Anyone can do a certain things if they choose to. Because it’s a choice by us. And we we we are the ones who often to tell us now I can’t do that. It’s too hard. It’s like when I went my first focus I want are you talking about? I can barely speak English. And I have terrible pronunciation and I don’t have no any Grandma, what are you talking about can become an offer? And I’m like, on my I’m on my fifth book already.
Don’t Suffer in Silence is getting out of your own mind. So what sort of BS belief system or the other way you want to call it? Are we actually telling ourselves that we can’t do something, we are undermining our own good, our own power all the time. And it’s not our fault. It’s not our fault. Because it’s how the society taught us that we can just like Tina said over here, I wish there was more movie telling people that they can do that. And the sad thing is people don’t want to know about this too much. And that’s why they need to come to a podcast like this would like Tina, they’re your backup plan to help people to realize, hey, on the dark side, they’re still like to an ESU someone like you, Tina, that who let other people know that there is a black cup pen.
Well, that and I hate it when people said to me, Tina, you’re so strong, you’re so strong. No, though I’m not. When you’re in it. You don’t feel strong at all. So how do you how can you feel strong when you’re in the midst of it? Now after being away from it, you become strong, but during it you’re not strong? So how can you change that perspective?
Ask yourself why? What is the reason why that you need to get out of it. I always said that. When we are at our emotional mind state like when we acquiring or something like that. The fastest way to get out of that emotion is to ask yourself a logical question. Find out the why that you want to be better. Find out the why that why you need to be in that state. And why do you want to go into another state a lot of people said that they need motivation to keep them going. I say go and get a lab coat if you need to get motivated because all you need to do is set a certain hours of the day like this morning, I get up at Six h two to come to a podcast is and yesterday was 432. So, think about it. If you need motivation, all you need is alarm clock to get up. The true motivation comes from the why within? Why am I doing this? Because I want to share my voice. Why am I doing this? Because I want to connect with amazing people. Why am I doing this because we are worth it. I am no longer worthless, I am no longer as useless. I am no longer scared and be triggered by the past emotion. That’s my why. And that’s my motivation.
Well, that’s definitely Yeah, mine too, after the fact. But during, you’re asking yourself a whole lot of questions of why is he doing this? Why is he saying this to me? I feel like I’m a nice person. So why am I so awful? Why is someone telling me I’m so horrible? And I understand that the forgiveness comes in. But how do you switch that trigger in your mind? Because my why was a car accident that switch the light bulb from off to on?
But for you or someone else listening? What could that light bulb be for them? What? What does it take for you to realize how you’re being treated? And that you actually don’t like it and it’s making you feel sad? that’s it in a nutshell. Really. The truth is, like you said, keep asking why? What would that do to me is that I get more upset. So after all that expression, you can only cry for so long. You can only get upset for so long. So after that, so what I do with my life, so I stopped, I stopped asking why and asking what can I do? And what why is the only way I asked is What do I want? That’s the reason like what do I want in life? So instead of asking why that will keep me in the flow, because you can only be in low for so long. And then I also pay so what I want, I mean this situation now.
So what I want, I want happiness.
Okay, what is the next step to do? It is to switching off. Like for me my switching. It’s almost my 40 years old birthday. Like I said, I only got 20 years left. What do I want to do in my life? Instead of why I want to be single in this relationship? I ask, why are they acting like that? Why are they doing that? Yeah, it’s all crap. Yeah, it doesn’t help. That’s why I said to everyone, when you are in an emotional situation, do not ask yourself why? Because you will never get an answer.
First thing, that means you’re wasting your time, if you want to let our like emotional outbursts, which I think is an absolutely fantastic idea. Because we found releasing that emotion, you can have things straight. Because I went for a stage that I could not cry for more than 30 seconds, no matter how hard how much my brain and my heart wants to cry. So I’ve been through that mental state as well. So I say Okay, stop asking the Why? Because asking a Why couldn’t even make me quiet. So what do I do to make myself cry? I signed to ask for what? And it work, because I cry, but it’s leasing out emotions, that what else do I need to do? And it’s sort of give me hope at the same time as well. So the big switch for everyone is don’t ask why. But ask them what else can I do? And what is that? And what do I not have? Yet not how to like you know how it creates a lot of confusions. So ask what I want first, then when you have a better mental state, then as how when you asked how you starting to go to look for your answer, and like a podcast, like what you have here, Tina, and other resources that is actually outside like a Facebook group or something. So that’s when you are so stop asking why start asking what? And then when you’re better go and ask how.
thright because then you’re going to put it all together. Because your mindset is moving forward.
Exactly. Exactly. Because it when we’re in depression and when we add that mental state, we are completely a train work. So we can’t think straight. So what how do we help ourselves to get the thing back straight? Is by asking the quality question that we have lost that we talk to ourselves all the time. Like that’s normal. It’s just like asking why. So why not talk to ourselves what instead. So it’s a really a control that you can gain back?
A lot to share this little story with all of your audience here. When I was about four years old, I did something naughty and I can’t even remember what it is. And my father, choose to have a knife step onto my hand to teach me a lesson. That was the first time I explained it. Experience feel. And I still got the marks to prove it on my arm. And when I was doing timeline therapy, he taught me back to that stage of what happened in that moment. And then it asked me one very ridiculous question. Have a guess what it is? It asked me to find the positive learning from that moment. And I’m like, my dad is stepping me, I can see my vein is green and blue and blood is gushing out. So you want me to find a positive learning? I’m like, abcdefg? Are you kidding me? So I say Okay, so what is the positive learning, I’m like, Ah, he’s not such a bad person, I forgive him. And then all of those stuff. The last thing I said was, I’m in control. That completely changed my life, because I was going for a sec, my second depression at that time.
And it’s like, wow, I realized that I can’t be in control of that situation. I can’t be in control of that, what other people do, but what I can be in control now is my brain and how I think it’s like a snip switch that you just set that wake me up at that moment and say, Wow, I was living like a zombie for the last few months. I feel like a corpse that have no energy. No, I have a face on but that’s it. I was empty, alone, crying for help. But I was too scared to share myself. I don’t know what to do. But until that moment, that switch to me as I hey, I’m in control. Wow, that completely changed my life and give me that emotion again. And so I can start asking how again, like, what again, and then before I ask for help, that’s really nice. Thank you for sharing that. Because I, I know that you have to start looking at Well, you don’t have to do anything.
Don’t Suffer in Silence is just a perspective! But to to change your perspective and look at it is, that’s their Apple, that’s their stuff that’s there issues or forgiveness and compassion and empathy for someone who has those opinions? Yes, I guess that’s, and that’s building your strength up within yourself to be able to have that attitude. Because when you’re in the dark, and you’re being mentally abused, you don’t feel strong, you don’t feel like you can take over the world, or that you can even say anything to someone who’s yelling at you, you know, you you find yourself little and fearful and scared, very scared. So what, um, is there anything that you can say to yourself, but during those moments of, you know, I’m sure you had many of them to Martha, where the persons overtop of you. And, you know, it’s this, that it’s all pointed at you.
And I think that the best thing is, again, to learn that one sentence and although into your head, I respect the other people model of the world, is their thing is not my thing, no matter what they say is their belief is not valid.
My belief that helped me to keep my core that really helped me to keep my COVID because it is hard when you are in an argument. And as I like, you know, do you want me to leave? Do you want me to stay like no, give them an option. So I become this really hot woman. But in the same time is that understand that I’m respecting you for giving you an option as well. So you have to learn to respect me, simple as that. So having that boundary coming out. That is something that we have to learn and something that we have to build up. And that’s why that people have an option to choose to come into our broadcast today and learn a few things from us. Because that knowledge stick with us forever. It may not. Yeah, it may not come up in your normal good days. But this conversation you’re listening to right now could come up when you are in need. And that’s what we wanted to do to be able to provide you and I’m sure is Tina’s mission here to give you the backup plan. When you need it.
We hear it’s there. And I find it so crazy that I wish that we had training in school when you’re younger, to be able to, you know, have that maybe kung fu fighting type of you know how they teach women to be better prepared for that, you know, to how to look after yourself. I wish there was that kung fu fighting for the outside and the inner work that you could be strong. and powerful on the inside. You know, it might be against that horrible boss that you come up across that you don’t know how to handle. And all you do is leave growing, going away crying, or it might be a partner or a girlfriend or a relative or someone else that’s treating you like crap. And I think I think that would be a really good career is to have the fighting aspect as well as the inner work aspect to combine, that would be cool.
Yeah, there’s a lot of teen coaches out there as well, that who help with that. But one other thing that a lot of people don’t realize is that we have also as a parent, we are the adult that we have the responsibility to share that as well. When every single time we disrespect our kids, we don’t give them an option, we are taking that power away. We’re telling them not to do this, instead of like, of course, if they’re killing themselves, that’s a different story. But like not allowing them to do something, we are actually taking the strength of their confidence away. So helping them to learn how to build up their confidence from a young age, how letting them know that they can say no to a certain thing, how learn how to set healthy boundaries, or one themselves just like you’re dating a guy for the first time you learn not to sleep with them on the first night, something like that, that we can actually teach them as adults, we can teach them as parents.
Yeah, because the only thing that I ever remember my mom saying to me, and it wasn’t for a date or anything, it was just going to a friend’s house, she would say, if you never feel uncomfortable, or that you feel not loved or something strange is happening, just say Oh, I’m sorry, I hear my mom calling. I better go now. So that was that was her out, like for allowing me to know when when it’s okay to know that it’s not alright, to still be there. And I think that was a really good thing for a young girl to know or a boy to know that it’s okay to feel uncomfortable. And know what’s wrong, right from wrong at that time. Exactly. And that does come from a parents of how we teach them I know these days that we are all trying to fight fight for our live and put food on the table. And that is the common excuse that our like us as parents do. And like we said that, okay, we don’t have time to look at the keys at the time that we finish all of that we’re already exhausted. And as I Okay, then, how about we work on something that everyone can share the task to make things better? There’s always an option and a solution to things. It’s just depending on how we see the situation. And do we allow that there is an option available? And to know there’s an option? That’s a mind state as well.
Yes. Because play a point when you’re in the dark, and that black room? Gosh, it’s hard to see the light between the door
Oh, man. It is it is tough. But the good thing is, guess what there is a light behind the door.
There is and it’s beautiful, once you open it, and it’s it’s anything that you can put your mind to. It’s magical. It’s beautiful. It’s whatever that you see is the most beautiful thing in the world. And that’s what’s behind that door.
Exactly. And it is, it is okay to have a slip up. I always say like, because we’re human, we have slip up time. But it’s also allowing ourselves Okay, once after the slip up, it’s time to get back on track and doing what we have best seen. And it does take time to build up a confidence build up your audience by up to 40 it does take time, but we got to learn to be patience. A lot of people have lack of patience that are like I saw something on the internet yesterday, as I Oh, I hate those groups in fires and stuff like that. I hate connecting to people and she wants to be a coach. And I’m like, okay, your model is your model of the world if you don’t like to connect with other people, I understand your field but maybe like I didn’t say that but in my head is you need to go and find a job instead of actually trying to connect with other people if you hate connecting to other people, like a lot of people like to think that they can do something but then they say like you know they see oh my god is overwhelming what I need to be on social media and anybody on podcasts I need to be showing my face really. It’s like having that confidence like okay,
I don’t mind my double chain. I don’t mind that I haven’t got my hair done properly. I’ve got to have fun long. I don’t mind. You need to have built up that confidence within and that’s what I teach them with my coaching call To teach people the first thing to do is not about how to become a coach is about how to become you.
That’s the first thing. Isn’t that the truth? So tell before we go tell us about your books.
My books I have, okay, my first one is called Five, don’t survive, even when times are tough.
I was inspired during conflict that I feel like we’re in lockdown is so scary. And I thought, you know what, I’m just gonna put everything together into this little book. It’s a two minute we are for every single tips there. And just to give them a bit of motivation. Yeah, it’s like, I know, the artwork wasn’t done by me. I tried to play around with a little bit, I didn’t know how to fix it at that time. So yeah, things like that.
That’s the second book I made was designed for coaches to help them get out of their overwhelming feeling because I was feeling burnout and over time, and overwhelming at that time. And the first one was, our action is proof, which is something that I write dedicated to my cat, that who passed away because I was feeling like shit during that time. And it was my choice to get out of bed or just stayed that and I choose to take little steps at a time to allow myself to get out of it. And the fourth one was the gobo achiever collaborative book.
And the last one that I just did was the super confidence success formula is this for people that who wants to build up confidence in themselves and find out the way my beautiful funnel designer, Dawn walls have first helped me to put in a little link together, I sent it to Tina already. So you can get two of my books, which is the fire five, don’t survive, even when times are tough. And the action is cool. six steps to stop procrastination. And anything you dream is possible as long as you take action to COVID. So those two books are for all your audience here to enjoy to download. And I have empowerment sessions linked in there as well. If you are suffering from our issue, if you want to find a safe space to reach out for help, I want to be that person for you to be able to reach out and say, Hey, this is what we can do right now. And giving you a light behind that door. And to let you slowly open that door slowly to realize that light has always been there.
Yeah, for some reason, you just don’t see the damn thing.
Martha says, “Don’t Suffer in Silence is being vulnerable”! A lot of us don’t. And it’s it’s a challenge. But we will give him patient and the white guidance and give them the support and give them the respect to be at their own place. A lot of us in coaching that we like we can see the end of the tunnel already of this is the best solution for them. However, as a client, they will not be able to see it so quickly. And what if we push them that way, like shooting a free pointer and a basketball view, they get scared and they run away from the other side. So instead of doing that, let’s do a criss-cross step for them. So they can go under the basket to start shooting the ball in. That makes them feel a lot better and a lot easier to take. Like I said, being vulnerable is a step in a journey now. I’m able to be here today to talk about everything in took me almost a year to actually get to this stage. It’s not easy, but I’m proud of that. I’m doing it. And every single time before I go on to a podcast I do get a little bit nervous as well don’t know what it’s gonna be. But I guess that we did pretty well. Should I know too much maka. let’s get let’s remember this as well. There’s always no failure. There’s only learning and feedback. And by taking the learning in the feedback, that’s how we become kick ass the next time.
That’s absolutely it. Lessons after lessons after lessons. That’s what we’re here for. Right. Oh, thank you. That was awesome. Did you want to say anything else for the final messages to the audience?
I want everyone to know that there is always a backup plan. No matter what situation you’re in. There is a way out. Tina, her podcast is a wonderful way for way for you to know what is out there for you. So subscribe, like her channel, and stay connected with all of us because we are here for you when you want her to be.
Oh, that’s awesome. Thank you. I would I wish I would have known you five or six years. Oh yeah.
You know, it’s when you’re in it and you don’t know what to do. You could always use a friend like Martha, to give you that guidance, I’m sure. Thank you. Thank you, Tina. Well, thank you everybody. It was a beautiful, beautiful and why not? Why isn’t it not a great show when it Scotland me doing this great work for you guys too. I bring taboo subjects, like, Who would have ever thought we could talk about these things with each other and getting them out there? Because I always said, Why do we not see this? Why can we not see it from a different angle when we’re struggling inside, and you allow us to see this from a different light, Martha. So thank you so very much. You have that, you know, I always say Bernie Brown says everyone has a story that will bring you to your knees and be the survival guide for someone else. What will your story be? And that’s exactly Martha. Because you have learned all these things to share with our listeners. So thank you for having the courage, and the grace and the compassion for for your own situation to be able to share it with us today. Thank you.
If you would like to reach out to Martha Mok, here are her social media links for you
Martha Mok guides women who may have had a similar experience as she did, being in an abusive marriage, bullied at school since a young age and sexually molested by someone she trusted. To find themselves again by not letting their past hold them back. She creates a super confident woman. Martha is known as the super confidence coach, motivational speaker, entrepreneur, multi-award-winning International makeup artist & hairstylist and author. She coached in the areas of; life, business, self-worth and relationships. Her specialty is empowering new coaches to run their profitable coaching business. By using her knowledge and personal experiences, she empowers others to improve their life situation to achieve happiness by unlocking their potential from within. Opting for different strategies to unlock their fear and barriers allows them to find the strength to face their challenges. Her mission is: No women should suffer in silence
3 Mysterious Topics for Men with our super Duper Guest on our Live Stream Show is with Tim Krass, a veteran media and entertainment executive, who is also a writer as well as a leadership coach for business executives.
“Mental health is not a destination, but a process. It’s about how you drive, not where you’re going”, Noah Shpancer
Every life is complicated, every mind a Kingdom of unmapped mysteries!”, Dean Koontz
Tim Krass’ harrowing, dramatic personal story weaves its way throughout his book YOU DON’T HAVE TO SWALLOW YOUR GUN. Tim lived with depression, suicide attempts and has studied masculinity for more than thirty-seven years. Although women are about twice as likely to be diagnosed with depression, men are almost four times as likely to die from suicide, suggesting that many men have undiagnosed mental health issues. Research indicates that rates of undiagnosed depression are substantially higher in men than women. Why do so many men choose not to get treatment for depression? Most men are not aware that they suffer from depression. Many men who do know that something is very wrong with them are stigmatized by the fear that they will be perceived by others as feminine or weak.
If you have experienced emotional abuse, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741741.
Childhood emotional abuse is a tricky topic to cover. Especially in movies, it can be hard to balance representing the true impact of emotional abuse without making it a caricature by being “over the top.” Whether we realize it or not, childhood emotional abuse is a fairly common storyline in a lot of movies — and there are some that actually make an effort to “get it right.” Here is a favorite movie amongst the viewers:
“”Precious,” is a movie based on the novel “Push” by Sapphire, and follows 16-year-old Claireece “Precious” Jones (Gabourey Sidibe) as she navigates her abusive upbringing, which includes both sexual and emotional abuse. While most of the emotional abuse comes from her mother, Precious is given HIV and impregnated twice by her father. In addition to depicting the realities of abuse, we also see Precious struggle with body image and disordered eating behaviors.” ~ https://bit.ly/3jnYPL9
The next one is:
“”I, Tonya” is a biographical comedy based on figure skater Tonya Harding and her connection to the 1994 attack on rival skater Nancy Kerrigan. Though some have criticized the use of dark humor in depicting domestic violence, others have praised the way the film spotlights the cycle of abuse and how physical violence and emotional abuse often go hand in hand. The movie has garnered critical acclaim, earning Oscar nominations for Margot Robbie for her role as Tonya Harding, and Allison Janney as Harding’s abusive mother LaVona Golden.” ~https://bit.ly/3jnYPL9
In our interview, 3 Mysterious Topics for Men, my mother and father, my father was an executive in the rental car business. And my mother was tremendous at preparing food. And, you know, she had a household that was, you know,
impeccable. So, tickety boo. Boo, I love it. I wouldn’t tell her. But anyway, I thought it was typical middle class. And, you know, it wasn’t until I left home and went to college. At that, I looked back and did some self discovery and found out that, you know, when I, my parents were yelling at myself and my brother, and they were getting into arguments, and they were being emotional. And they were physically abusive as well would would hit us that I was being abused. I didn’t know that.
I did, I was conscious of the fact that I felt like I had to walk around the house on on eggshells, because I didn’t want my mother or my father to think that I was doing something wrong. So that I would be yelled at or screamed at or hit or have to go to my room or, you know, whatever it was, but abuse was was part of it. And when I went to college, you know, you got away from it. I got I got away from it. But the first thing my friends put in front of me was all bunch of marijuana. And that was like the first and best relationship I ever had in my life. You know, I loved it. I couldn’t I couldn’t put it down because it made me free from all of these thoughts, all of this pain that I knew nothing, you know, I wasn’t even aware of. I didn’t know that I had depression. I didn’t know I had mental health issues that I It was full of fear, full of anxiety. I didn’t know. And I went on a 41 year run of drugs and alcohol. And it. And I was leading a double life because I was this executive in media and entertainment for the top, top five media and entertainment companies in the country in the world. And I was an executive vice president of distribution. And I was before the day started. And after the day ended, sometimes during lunch, I was going to get high. And I was playing a game with myself to challenge myself how high IQ I could get, but still maintain. In my mind, in my work,
I think I’ve seen that many times and many different people.
It’s sick. I mean, until I did an inventory and look back at my behavior. I didn’t realize that how damaging my behavior was, it was very egotistical, and very unprofessional. And I’ve since gone back to many people that I worked with, and, and made amends with them and told them that that was not right. And because I wanted to have a clear relationship with them, and a lot of them said, you know, we didn’t even know. And, you know, that’s, that’s the sad part. The sad part. I thought I was getting away with somebody. And it was something, but I really wasn’t, I was hurting myself and those around me. And I just kept going for 41 years until finally, you know, the world caved in 2008 2009 the economy took a real dip. I was raising money for children’s educational sports website. We thought we had enough money. The since with the economic turndown, we didn’t get that money, bus, I thought I could get a job. But the economy was so bad, I couldn’t get a job. So things spiraled down. And I was in a very difficult place. And somebody in my family suggested that I go to some 12 step meetings, which I did. And luckily, I ran into a gentleman who was I asked him to be my sponsor, and to help me with the program and walk me through. And the guy wore a leather jacket and chains and drove a motorcycle and he scared the living daylights out of and the first time I met him, he say, he said, okay, pick me up. And we’ll go get coffee and talk about if, if you You are a valuable use of my time is valuable candidate for
Whoa. Like, I thought you were my sponsor. And he’s like, oh, not yet. We got to talk this out.
So for the next hour, he just chewed me up and down and said, Look, if you’re serious about this, and you’re willing to do whatever it takes to eradicate yourself from this usage of drugs and alcohol, then I’ll I’ll be shoulder to shoulder with you and walk you through the whole program. But if you don’t if you’re not serious, he said you can go to hell on your own. I’ve been I’m not going back. And I’m telling you, he scared the living daylights out of me and I had to go home. My first assignment, go home, throw away any little bottles of vodka have any kind of alcohol, beer, any kind of marijuana pipes, joints, paraphernalia, whatever, put it in a black garbage bag and throw it throw everything in the dumpster. No roaches, no little bottles of liquor, nothing. Well, I started crying. I started shivering. I didn’t know how it’s gonna make it.
Well, it’s the fear of the unknown, I guess, right? I’ve only learned all of this from the mom show, you know, the mom. TV show? Yeah, that’s where it all sounds very familiar to me.
Yeah. And, and, you know, that’s one of the bits of research that I’ve found that that these mental health issues start at a very young age because of the environment. The parents put the children and the results on teen suicide have been skyrocketing in the last five years. So I’m, to me, the long term solution is to get to be proactive and get an educational curriculum or for these teams about, about all these issues, so that they talk about these issues. And it’s not something that they run away from and hide underneath the bed and think that well, one day it’ll just go away because it doesn’t.
Well, and one of the ones you didn’t talk about is one of the notice this stats rising for 30 to 40 year olds, middle class, higher average class people with well, paid jobs, drug overdoses, yep, skyrocket, the numbers are skyrocketing.
Yeah, there’s so much pressure to perform. And, you know, what I’m, I learned that I had severe depressive disorder that’s reoccurring. And my doctor told me that that was the reason that my addictions were flaring up in a lot of different areas. And that was at the same time that I started going 12 step meetings and got this sponsor, who walked me through the program, and he literally saved my life. Because I did have a butcher knife in my hand a couple times and was ready to take take a slit at my wrist because I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I, I felt shame. I felt defective. I was not making, you know, money. I couldn’t get a job. I thought I was worthless. You’re at the bottom of the Yeah, the bottom of the barrel. But I listened to my sponsor, I went to 12 step meetings, I did all the work required. I did extra work, I learned how to be of service to others. So as soon as I got sober, which was eight and a half years ago, now, I got the idea about writing a book. And describing my situation, so people don’t have to go through what I went through is too painful. I couldn’t sleep at night, I couldn’t eat. I was afraid to talk to anybody. Whereas before when I was in business, I was doing presentations in front of three 5000 people.
But you had a crutch. Yeah, at that time. So now you don’t so you’re on your own. So you felt they kept I guess so to speak. Totally. No self esteem, no confidence. I felt very defective. And slowly, slowly, as I work through this program, I did self discovery myself and found out all these behaviors, a trend of behaviors were starting to be evident, self evident to me that I needed to cut out of my life. And that’s when things started to turn for the better it sometimes it takes six months or a year, just to get on like equal ground. They say after five years. Finally, you get to a place where you know you’re you’re getting close to where you used to be. They can say you feel normal. Yeah, whatever normal is, but that first year was extremely difficult for my health, for everything that was going on.
And right before I got sober I had I was rushed to the hospital at three in the morning because my head felt like it was in an incinerator. It was on fire. And I had to call 911 and they did some tests and they took me into the hospital and said I had a heart attack and they put a stent in my one of my blocked arteries. And three hours later, I’m woken up by my primary care physician and he’s all smiles and I said What’s so funny, he said, I’m so proud of you, because you got here so quickly. They put a stent in your artery and you have 00 heart damage, because you took care of it so quickly. And that’s one of the themes of, of what I talked about today is asking for help and how important it is.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO SWALLOW YOUR GUN, a simple book for men about depression, masculinity and suicide, offers a potentially life-saving experience that is easy for men to read because men are simple. Thus, it is easy to understand and to immediately apply what they have read.
*To ask for help. As soon as you think you feel something, most men don’t even know they have depression, they don’t know that they have stress or anxiety, they just think that’s part of the deal. They have a mental health condition that can be managed. And you can live a normal life where you can have happy and healthy relationships.
You don’t need the alcohol, you don’t need the drugs, you don’t need the pills. You don’t need to fight with your wife, you don’t need to, you know, beat up on your children, or beat up on your friends, or beat up on your friend’s wife, or go get go get a gun, or get some heroin or, you know, attempt suicide. And now, how many stories do we hear about these mass shootings? And children and adults lives are taken needlessly? And what do we hear at the end of the report in the news? Oh, by the way, this person in his file had a record of having mental health issues.
How many times have we heard that?
At least 90% of the time. And this is why I do what I do. People don’t like to talk about mental health. It’s taboo, nobody wants to talk about it, they think it’ll go away on its own. Oh, I won’t let anybody know about it.
Well, and we, we talk a lot about grief on the show as well. And that’s part of the mental health issue, and it’s affecting us more and more, every day with COVID. And with everything else, so yeah, it’s even highlighted.
Yeah, PTSD, post traumatic depression syndrome, and and, you know, people from war, haven’t people from growing up haven’t people from, you know, get it gone through a relationship and a divorce, people having to move people having to change in their economic situation? There’s all kinds of weight loss, weight gain. There’s all kinds of issues that come up. abusive relationships, yes. And you can abuse yourself, because your mental health issues are not getting researched and checked. It took my doctor four months of meeting with me face to face, him asking me questions for an hour at a time to understand what where I was what was going on, so that he could properly diagnose me, and then from there, prescribed a remedy that that was going to work to make me healthy. And thank God, I ran into this guy, because I had seen three or four or five doctors before that just said, Oh, you have low level depression? Well, this guy said, No, you don’t have low level depression. You have severe depressive disorder, that is reoccurring. And he said, to be honest with you, not a lot of people get to the other side. A lot of people commit suicide. And he said, frankly, I’m worried about you. Wow, it took that many times to get to that point. Yeah. So combined with my doctor’s help. And with my sobriety, which he said my severe depressive disorder was causing my addictions, to drugs and alcohol, that finally I cleaned everything up. And I decided I got to write this book. And it took three years for me to finish this book. But I saw the issues of mental health, and unchecked mental health issues like depression and stress and anxiety, things that people live with every day and they don’t think number one, that it’s a problem. Or there’s a lot of guys who are hung up on. If they ask for help. They’ll be pigeonholed as a feminized man, not a real man.
A weak guy. Because they grew up with everyone’s saying, Hey, don’t cry. toughen up. Pull your pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and be a man. Yeah, how many times and sports Have you even heard that example? Pull up your big boy pants and get get out there and hit the stupid ball and what’s going on? sports you’re seeing players in the NBA A basketball in football.
In college sports. You’re seeing all these people coming out. There was a baseball player that two years ago, took a gun to his head. He pulled the trigger. But he was still alive as blood comes gushing out. And he had to make a split decision whether he was going to pull that trigger again and kill himself, or he was going to get help. And he, he decided he wanted to live in today, the guy is healthy. He plays in minor league baseball. He’s trying to get back to the major leagues. And he’s come out and talked about his mental health issues.
Kevin Love who plays professional basketball for the Cleveland Cavaliers, the Martin de Rosen, who plays NBA basketball for the San Antonio Spurs. Brandon Marshall played foot NFL footballs in the New York Jets in the Chicago Bears. He has come out, there are more men coming out saying, Wow, I have mental health issues. And I need to get help with them. And when they do that other guys come to them and say, really, I thought it was just me that felt this way. But now you have told me that you do. So how do I get help. And this is the beauty of your mental health issues is that they can be managed. And you can have happy and healthy relationships. If you get help, it actually takes more courage to ask for help, then to hide behind the curtains and hide underneath your bed. And think I can’t tell anybody. I can’t trust that anybody’s going to perceive me as a masculine man. And especially can’t tell women, because I’ll never get a date with them. Whereas I say, look, healthy, integrated masculinity is what every man needs to practice.
Men need to be vulnerable. They need to create a safe space, a space, a safe environment. For a woman, whether it’s their partner at home, whether it’s the people at work, a man needs to create this safe environment for a woman to be exactly who she is. and not be threatened by that or intimidated. man thinks he’s got to fix all of a woman’s problems. How can he fix a woman’s problem? He’s a man. I can’t fix your problems. I’m a man. I don’t know what a woman goes through. Men have to go talk to men, women already talked to women. And they get a lot of help. Women are more emotive than men. Men have to ask for help. There are men’s meetings, men’s clubs, men’s tribes, these are all about men trusting men, and helping them to get to their truth. So that they can see the path they need to get on in order to get healthy. And they need to get off the alcohol or drugs, or yelling and screaming or violence or domestic violence or whoever they’re beating up or whoever they’re killing, whether it’s themselves or others. But slowly, but if you’re an addict or an alcoholic, it’s not just you having the problem. You start affecting everybody in your family, and everybody in your life. Everybody you work with and yes. And it’s problematic. And we don’t, we don’t have to go through this. It’s a human thing. It’s okay, we’re humans, we make mistakes. Forgiveness, and love is a big part of life. You know, my fiance and I, we get in arguments. But we have a commitment to each other that before the night is over, we’re gonna resolve it.
And thus, once we do, personally, I get the perspective. Like I’m looking down at it from 15 feet and saying seeing my behavior and most of the time, I’ve been projecting work problems or other issues that I’m dealing with, and I projected on my fiancé and give her a hard time. And she gets upset. And I have to number one, I, myself, I have to check myself, I have to get help with that. I need your forgiveness, I want to make an amends, I don’t want to have this issue, continue to, you know, ruminate between us. And I make a commitment that I will get the help I need, whether it’s talking to other men, whether it’s talking to my doctor, or having a better relationship with God, to ask for guidance, so that I don’t do that again. But, you know, we’re all humans, okay, I just can’t turn things on and off regarding my behavior, but I can get help.
So in in the your other world, you would have just got out the marijuana or the drinks, then just kind of washed it away. And then sometimes I found around certain people that drank a lot, you would find them switch personalities. And, and people would always I’d be in my 40s and my 50s. And I go to a you know, a get together of some sort. And people would say, do you want to drink like they’d be pushing these Drinks on me? Not that I’m I’m ever been an alcoholic. I’ve never really enjoyed drinking. But I’d have one drink perhaps or, you know, that’s that’s about it. And people would ask me, it was like, it was like a strange kind of philosophy that if you didn’t drink, you’re not normal. And so I thought, Wow, this is so strange. I here I am in my 40s and 50s. And people are still pushing drinks on you like you’re in college. And I just don’t understand that concept. Because I always said to them, I’m fine. I don’t need to have a drink to have fun. I’m fine without the drink. So some people can do that. Some people can smoke one joint, and they’re fine. If I see a bag of marijuana, we’re sitting there until it’s all gone. That’s just the way I’m put together. Yeah.
But we’re all different. And you know, there are some people who, like you said they look at you having one drink and then walking away and going home. They say, Are you kidding me? They have to drink until they black out until they pass out until they broken dishes. They broken glasses. They broken relationships. They’ve made a mess. God forbid they get in the car and have a car accident. Yeah. You know, look at Tiger Woods. Look at a lot of people. A lot of people end up killing other people, God forbid because they are drunk or on drugs. And they smash in other people. Yeah. And they they don’t realize that they have a mental health issue that they need help with. And that there are doctors and people out there that can help them manage their mental health issue. So that you can have a happy and healthy relationship with yourself and others.
Yeah, I think this is such a good topic right now. for mental health. It’s coming out more and more and my nose is itchy. So that means it’s important. So yeah, because Prince Harry and Megan even came out of like I talked about coming out like they came out of the closet or something but, but it feels like that right? Because you’re trapped like you feel trapped. With no one that hears you No one can understand you. No one’s there to support you. What do you do you feel like you’re literally trapped and bound, right? That’s how I picture it.
Look, it’s the rare person today. That does not feel anxiety and stress from the world we live in. It’s a crazy world out there. crazier than I’ve ever seen.
Yeah, I mean, there are politicians and business people that want to see these people with mental health issues locked up instead of providing help and support. And that’s sad today. Because people do need help. With COVID-19 with the eradication of our economy, the isolation, isolation, businesses have taken have gone out of business. People are struggling left and right. Their children are struggling left and right. Everybody is affected by this. Everybody needs support and help people to go to that can help them manage these situations, some of which some men and women don’t even know that they are living an unhealthy life when it comes to mental health. Sometimes people have physical bad physical health. Don’t even go to their doctors because they’re afraid. They don’t want to hear what they have to go through. They don’t want to have to think they have to go to a hospital and have surgery. They don’t want to do that. They don’t want to take the drugs afterwards, the pain medication because it’ll make them drink. And they could get hooked on those opioids. That is becoming a serious, serious problem in this country, because they’re much cheaper than heroin. And they’re pretty much having the same effect on people. And, unfortunately, people in surrounding countries are lacing these opioid opioids, and these pills with fentanyl? Yes, and that’s deadly. Yes, that’s deadly. You. So many people, I know they’ve gone to Mexico, they go to the bar, ask for a drink. The next day they’re dead. They’re found dead in their room because the drink was laced with fentanyl.
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Please note: Here are Links for any Mentalhealth Hotlines:
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1.800.273.8255
Mental Health and Substance Abuse National Helpline: 1.800.662.4357
National Hopeline Network (Depression and Suicide): 1.800.SUICIDE (784-2433).
National Youth Crisis Hotline: 1.800.448.4663.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1.800.799.SAFE (7233).
If you are in immediate danger: Call 9.1.1.
In Canada: With Crisis Text Line powered by Kids Help Phone, you can chat with a trained, volunteer crisis responder for support any time, about anything, via text message. Our texting service is free and available across Canada 24/7 Funded by the Government of Canada and geared toward Indigenous people nationwide, the Hope for Wellness Help Line provides immediate mental health counselling and crisis intervention. You can call 1-855-242-3310, available 24/7, to talk in English or French, as well as Cree, Ojibway or Inuktitut upon request